Video Podcast Hilarity

My friend Josh, who made the Matthew Lesko video I was in, has a video podcast he does with his buddy Danny. I filled in for Danny the other day and was a guest on the show. Watch it if you want, i don't care.

THE SHOW

ok i do care. watch it.

hint: I subscribed to their show's podcast from their website under "the show". Then iTunes downloads the episode for me, so it's easier to watch all at once.

Rappers say the Darndest Things

It finally happened. I've always wondered if rappers could get arrested for confessing to crimes in their rhymes (sorry). I mean DMX and 50 claim to have killed all these people, what if one time it checked out? Or all these guys who apparently have "slung" all these "rocks", can you bring a drug charge? Well I just read that gentleman rapper, Rico Todriquez Wright was recently sentenced to 20 years in prison for aggravated assault after he confessed to the crime in a rap lyric. He apparently said "Chad Blue knows how I shoot", this Chad Blue being the fellow he attempted to murder. I guess that Jay-Z was right about the feds tapping music.

In other news his mother has been sentenced to 50 years in bad parent jail for naming him Todriquez.

In other news Young Jeezy is praying the police don't figure out what "birds", "white", "work", and "O's" mean.

Donovan McNabb is the man part II

Read this

He taught Chad Johnson to be appreciative of his position in life and not be a cry baby. Told you he was classy.

America's New Boss

Frosted Frustration

Good source of fiber and frustration

I've been eating mad Bite Size Frosted Mini Wheats lately and I got some issues I need to address.

1) The bite size is still too big.

Ok, this is my main problem with FMW. I know what you're thinking: "but they're bite size" and also "you're a pussy". Don't be a dick. Listen up, I have no problem with the size when it comes to eating the cereal, that's fine. My beef is that the current size makes milk portioning very difficult. Let me explain. Whenever I'm pouring out milk for normal cereal it's pretty easy to guage how much I need. FMW's are different though because their larger size makes them less compact in the bowl. There is more air space for the milk to fill then with normal cereal. This makes me think I should use less. So I always use about the same or less, which leaves about a quarter of the cereal floating above the milk.

Now FMW just aren't as delish if they aren't in milk. The dry ones are lame to the max. But with that quarter floating above the fray, blocking all the milk soaked ones, it becomes difficult to eat the ones I want. So I end up grabbing one at a time from the bottom, in turn using more milk per spoonful than I normally would, and I end up with no milk and a bowl of half damp/half dry cereal. Then I have to re-pour like a total loser and it ruins my day. So if you're reading this "person from Kellogg that scours obscure blogs for product suggestions", make them smaller.

2) They have beef gelatin in them?

I looked this stuff up on wikipedia first to make sure there wasn't a smaller size I was unaware of, when I discovered they contain beef gelatin. F*ck that. I guess I have no issue with beef gelatin, but in my cereal? Kind of gross.

3) The "big bite" sized ones.

Seriously? Multiply the first two issues by two. Stupid. Who buys this size? This guy:

Bristol Palin to Name Son 'Morgan Freeman Johnston'

WASILLA, Ak. -- Just one day after the father of her baby and future husband Levi Johnston spoke on their pending nuptials and hinted at the possible sex of their child, Bristol Palin has announced that they have decided on a name for the baby. After confirming that the child is indeed a boy, Palin proclaimed that they will be naming him 'Morgan Freeman Johnston', presumably after prolific actor Morgan Freeman. "After seeing the bravery and strength Mr. Freeman showed in his term as President," Palin said, "it seemed only natural to want such a wonderful man as the namesake of our child."

Mr. Johnston was also available for comment, stating that "Bristol and I caught the documentary about President Freeman on TBS last night." When asked which documentary he was referring to Johnston responded: "you know, 'Deep Impact'? Well, after seeing that, it was pretty clear we had our name."

Reporters could not get comment from Vice-Presidential nominee Sarah Palin about her daughter's choice, but sources close to Governor Palin said she "hoped to one day be as strong a leader as President Freeman." And that "she was joyfully awaiting a grandchild named not only after an incredibly strong President, but also after God himself as 'Bruce Almighty' later informed us."

Sampled: Rotary Connection - Memory Band

The following song is called 'Memory Band' by Rotary Connection. The song itself is pretty weird, totally crafted for a lazy sixties acid trip. Three great songs (that I know of) have sampled this tune however and for that I gotta give it up to RC. Visionary weirdness.



Both 'Killing Me Softly' by the Fugees and 'Bonita Applebum' by A Tribe Called Quest sample the cool sitar riff from the beginning of the tune. 'Bonita' samples a little of the groove from the start as well.





A much more obscure song that samples 'Memory Band' is 'Life I Live' by the Pete Rock produced group INI. This song samples more extensively, adding some Biggie in there from 'Juicy' for good measure. I love this track.

Tom Brady is my Nemesis

Got me again, SOB.

Folks, he did it again. Just when I thought I had figured out a way to beat Tom Brady, he got me good. I figured that if I selected him in fantasy football I'd at least get some pleasure in his heartless domination of my Bills and the rest of the NFL. But Tom is too good at this battle, always staying one step ahead. He of course realized that the only way to beat me was to defeat himself. So yes, Brady's knee injury was an elaborate and risky gamble to make me look like a fool. Congrats Tom, you bastard.

Johnny Cash = Puff Daddy?

This may sound familiar if you know Johnny Cash's Folsom Prison Blues.

I'm not hating on Johnny, but it puts the idea that rappers are 'unoriginal because they sample' in perspective. Interesting.

No one on the corner has swagger like us

As with everything M.I.A. does, I'm about 75% sure I really like this:



Sweet?

Donovan McNabb is the Man

Actually scratch that. Donovan McNabb is a man and I respect him for it.

I just finished reading an article about McNabb in training camp and he is ever the optimist. This post however is not in praise of McNabb's outlook on camp. This post is in praise of McNabb's professionalism. Donovan has taken more shit over the last 9 years then any quarterback in my short time on this planet. He's dealt with the Philly media, he's dealt with being a black quarterback in America, he's dealt with TO, he's dealt with injury and he's done it all with class.

First let me explain something about my personal feelings toward Donovan. Although I hail from the suburbs of Syracuse, I probably hated McNabb and the Orange more than anyone during that time period. I'm no hater, but as a lifetime fan of the WVU Mountaineers I was not a fan of SU football. So I'm speaking as someone who actually had every reason not to like Donovan.

If you follow Donovan's career though it's clear to see the guy is a class act. I feel he has handled every adverse situation like a pro and always stated that he was 100% dedicated to Philly and winning the Super Bowl. When TO was being a crybaby, Donovan just went out there and played. So I just wanted to write something giving some "propers" to DMcNabb. Tupac said it best: "keep ya head up".

The Future is Podcastic

1) I'm alive.
2) I've been a slacker.
3) I just discovered Podcasts.

For the uninitiated "a podcast is a series of digital-media files which are distributed over the Internet using syndication feeds for playback on portable media players and computers. The term podcast, like broadcast, can refer either to the series of content itself or to the method by which it is syndicated; the latter is also called podcasting." [Wikipedia]

Basically it's audio and video content available for your iPod that you can subscribe to, usually for free.

Since I found out how awesome these things are I immediately subscribed to about 20 of them. Now I have videos about scientific discoveries, audio of ESPN's PTI, hip hop videos, and a bunch of others. Seriously sweet. I'll try to make some recommendations once I try them out, but this is the biggest advancement in my life since netflix.

American Diversity: The Languages of the West

Aww broseph, that's sooo sick!

Netflix Experiment Part 2

I finally got around to watching 3 Ninjas after watching Surf Ninjas right away. Here are my findings:

1) 3 Ninjas is way better. It didn't necessarily seem that way when i was younger but its true. I think it's because there is something in 3 Ninjas for everyone, where Surf Ninja's only really appeals to ten year old kids who like game gear and sass talking.

2) The kidnappers in 3 Ninjas are hilarious. For those who don't know, these guys are surfer dudes who say dude every three words and i fully support it.

3) My childhood isn't ruined. 3 Ninjas was as good as i remember it. Surf Ninjas was lame but i was probably somewhat of a sarcastic little punk, just like the kids in the movie so i know what i saw in it.

4) Ninjas are badass. There was sweet ninja stuff going on in both films, no beefing on that front.

5) I should stop writing posts about ninjas.

Pretty Sweet

This girl looks like she has noodles for legs. It's "wheely" good. GET IT!?

Nerd Alert!

The path to the dark side

Holy shit you guys. The nerdiest assault in world history occurred in Great (yeah right) Britain recently when a dude dressed as Darth Vader attacked the founder of Britain's Jedi church and his cousin. Really, this actually happened.

So the dude was apparently wasted when he attacked and has no recollection of it. (Un)Luckily for him the ultra nerds had a camcorder set up to tape themselves having a light saber battle. I think maybe this is what would have happened if these characters were real and in high school. The school badass, Darth Vader, gets totally hammered and attacks the Jedi nerds with a metal crutch. Talk about a fan fiction opportunity! Star Wars High school, someone get on that.

So anyway, I find this story extremely hilarious. This dude obviously knew about the Jedi church and was probably cracking jokes about it with his buddies. They decide they're going to each finish a box of wine, last one done has to attack the Jedi dudes. They create a makeshift costume out of an old Vader Halloween mask and a garbage bag and reach for the closest thing to a light saber their drunk minds can come up with, a metal crutch.

My only problem with any of this is the reaction of the Jedi dudes. I mean, let's be real, these dudes probably fantasize about fighting Darth Vader all the f-ing time. Then they're lucky enough to be in a situation where he straight up attacks them, when they are about to tape themselves having a light saber battle, and they don't take the opportunity to kick Vader's ass. Come on! Its two on one, its self defense, its on tape, they have "light sabers"...holy shit did they blow it. Instead they puss out, take a couple undefended crutch whacks and run to the law.

The force is weak in these clowns.

[AP]

Thank Matthew Lesko for your Economic Stimulus

Matthew Lesko rulez. Fo' Sho.

The Netflix Experiment

Surf ninjas is here dudes. It's f-ing here. I plan on watching it along with 3 ninjas, back to back. I'm going to do a little experiment. I remember seriously thinking these movies were awesome back in the day. Not ironically, not awesomely bad, but serious cinematic masterpieces. I feel like this time around it might not be the same and therefore crushing everything my inner child holds dear. A lesser lover of America would bow from this challenge, content in the knowledge that what was awesome to a ten year old version of themselves would hold up to their mature, blog writing current self. I am not this person however and I dedicate myself to the task. I'll report back on my findings.

Goodbye inner child...or hello eternal innocence? Stay tuned.

Netflix is the greatest thing ever

That's Rob Schneider! No way!

I'll admit it took me a long time and I was hesitant to join, but I've finally signed up for Netflix. I haven't even received my first two movies yet and I'm already super pumped. First of all they have every movie I could ever want, ever. And by that I mean 'Surf Ninjas'. Better believe that's in the queue, along with '3 Ninjas' and a lot of 'Entourage'.

Not only does it have an insane collection, it also has free unlimited online stuff as well. Granted, a lot of these movies are super lame, but that's kind of the fun part. I need a reason to watch 'The Cougar Club' and it being free is that reason. I also get shit from my friends for not having seen all these 'classic' movies that came out waaay before I was born. With the help of Netflix I'll win back my friend's respect in no time.

Thank you Netflix. Thank you.

Threat Level Midnight - True American Heroes

The following is why I've been a Slacky McSlackerson on the blog:



TLM = America

The New American Ninja

For those of you who work in tall office buildings you may have witnessed the triumph of the American dream that I call the "New American Ninja". These ninjas are a little different than the traditional ones or even the turtle ones. While they do repel off of skyscrapers and use special weapons to fight enemies, their arch nemesis is window dirt.

Yes, I'm talking about the window washers that semi monthly fly down mine and the surrounding buildings, skillfully removing all dirt in their path. I can't help but notice that most of them appear to be foreign born. Isn't that the beauty of America? What a great country where you can go from being a brain surgeon or politician in your native land and become, for all intents and purposes, an urban ninja. Because, as any five year old will tell you, there is nothing cooler than ninjas (except maybe dinosaurs, but let's be realistic).

Brings tears to my eyes.

10 Years of Magic

Some of you that don't read XXL regularly may not have heard that this year is the ten year anniversary of the debut album and follow-up of music's greatest enigma. Who could it be you ask; Prince, or Lauren Hill, or even Mase? No, someone even more mystifying...DMX. Ten years ago DMX became the first artist to have two albums go platinum in the same year, no kidding. Unfortunately I think he also set world records for no shows and arrests. My hero.

In celebration of ten years of scaring the shit out of people, DMX has been doing interviews and appearing in a lot of magazines. I recently read XXL's interview with him and it changed my life. Here's some excerpts with my added commentary:

Right. So what artists are you listening to right now?
Same ones I been listening to—Nas and Scarface.

Nas and Scarface?
Yep, Nas and Scarface.

- Nas and Scarface huh DMX? Then one would assume that your albums would have the feel of a Nas or Scarface album. Are you sure you've only been listening to Nas and Scarface albums? Are you sure you don't mean old DMX albums? I'm not trying to say that they all sound the same. Actually, yes, that is what I'm trying to say. I liked DMX's album the first time he did it, even the second time, but by the third and on it began to wear thin.

What were you doing in between—from the last album to this one, that whole time? What have you been up to?
Life. I been up to that. It’s been crazy. Fuckin’ police keep on fuckin’ raiding my house and shit for nothing. They took all my fuckin’ guns. All they did is take my guns. All they fuckin’ do is fuck my house up and take my guns. That’s all they did. Straight robbed me—that’s what they did.

- They took all your guns? Thank the Lord! First of all, DMX is a convicted felon, which means he's not allowed to own guns, so I'm pretty sure they didn't "rob" him. Second of all, he's DMX! You know how much safer we are when he's not strapped? Dude gets into enough trouble by himself, we don't need him armed.

On Barack Obama:
Wow, Barack! The n*’s name is Barack. Barack? N* named Barack Obama. What the fuck, man?! Is he serious? That ain’t his fuckin’ name. Ima tell this n* when I see him, “Stop that bullshit. Stop that bullshit” [laughs] “That ain’t your fuckin’ name.” Your momma ain’t name you no damn Barack.

- This from a guy who goes by "DMX". Too bad convicted felons can't vote, he's got his finger on the pulse of the nation.

I'm pretty sure DMX is the most entertaining dude in the world. I hope he stays out of prison so he can do more interviews.

BONUS CHALLENGE: I have always wondered which word/sound comes up most in DMX's discography; is it the f word, the n word, or dog barks? First person to answer this question wins!

"(growling noises)"

Ken Lee: A National Treasure

American music is so money that people with no concept of the words sing it on national tv. Awesome. I know I Ken Lee America, talibu dibu dowchu.

Eliot Spitzer: Moral Crusader

News out of my home state of New York as governor Eliot Spitzer has admitted to having been involved with a prostitution ring as a client. What a wonderful dose of irony as a man known for fighting corruption in NY gets busted for hanging with some ho's.

I like Spitzer's approach though. He's not trying to avoid it or keep it under wraps, but rather is being a man and stepping forward with his transgressions. On the other hand it kind of takes the fun out of the whole thing. There's no "bitch set me up moment" like with DC's own Marion Barry.

It will be interesting to see if Spitzer can keep his job and if the whole thing will blow over. Kwame Kilpatrick, the mayor of Detroit, isn't letting his sex scandal get him down and the Minnesota Vikings still have a team after their "Sex Boat Scandal", so there's hope for him. Maybe the next time he's in DC (where this redezvous took place) he could meet with Councilman Barry, who served 6 months in prison for getting caught smoking crack cocaine, and then was reelected mayor, then got three years probation for failing a drug test, and is currently a DC councilman. That man is bullet proof.

According to the Wall Street Journal his brother, Daniel Spitzer, a neurosurgeon, said: "If men never succumbed to the attractions of women, then the human species would have died out a long time ago." Way to put it in perspective. In a similar vein, 3LW was quoted as saying "Playas, they gon play".

The Legend of the Just Fresh Large Cookie

We need a hero

I recently had lunch at Just Fresh, a fancy pants sandwich stop in DC. My coworker pointed out to me that they list their cookie on the menu as the "Legendary Large Cookie". Now I know what some of you are thinking, hyperbole in food advertising is starting to get out of control. Everything is listed as delicious, or tantilizing, or legendary, or a similarly overstated adjective. Normally I would be inclined to agree with your wise observation, but not in this case. This is because I know the legend of the Just Fresh cookie, which I will share with you now.

The year: Late 2007. The place: America. Surely a trying time in cookie history as a health conscious craze had swept the once cookie hungry nation. It seemed that the allure of the delightful circular treat was but a small remnant of it's once great self. These times called for a bold new cookie to lead the way. In a land where Oreo's and Tollhouse cookies once proved sufficiently attractive, a bigger, better solution was desperately needed; a treat so delightful, so tempting, it could crack the collective will of the diet crazed society.

A meeting was called, drawing all the leading cookie scientists from the outer reaches of America. The purpose of this meeting, called by former Buffalo Bill's running back and cookie aficionado Carlton Chester "Cookie" Gilchrist, was part of a plan to crack the iron will of America's dieters and subsequently return cookie demand to normal. The scientists came up with a brilliant idea: make the cookies slightly larger than other cookies. If cookies were once tempting, than surely larger cookies would do the trick! They quickly produced 5 varieties of minimally larger cookies and released them at Just Fresh locations all over the East Coast.

Legendary cookie breakthrough

I'm sure at this point it's unnecessary for me to tell you that the epically slim change was enough to reinvigorate American cookie snacking. Now that's what I call a Legendary Large Cookie, putting Just Fresh on the map!

Snake Keeps Dogging Local Family

welp, see ya later!

A friend of mine recent brought to my attention a news story out of Australia where a python ate a family's dog while their children watched. Apparently the snake had been stalking the dog for a while and finally decided it was time to take him down. While the snake was eating him the family tried to save the dog by throwing chairs at it to no avail.

This whole situation raises a number of questions in my mind. First of all, why didn't the family report the snake when they noticed it stalking their dog in the first place? It was also reported that it had partially eaten their cat as well as their guinea pig. Are pythons so common in Australia that you don't report them until your dog is inching it's way toward their center? Seems to me that if I saw a large snake hanging around my house I'd probably think about getting it removed, if not for my dog's safety, maybe for the safety of my small children (aged 5 and 7). The father said he feared for his children's life, but apparently only until it was eating their dog. Maybe up until then he thought it might make a good replacement pet for the guinea pig and cat that bit the dust.

I like that the family tried to throw chairs at the snake. Was this Stone Cold Steve Austin's family by any chance? Maybe the Undertaker's? I have an idea for the nervous father: how about you take your two young children into the house instead of angering a giant python by throwing plastic chairs at it. Perhaps we shouldn't let them be scarred for life. Just a thought.

[The Canadian Press]

Blowing Shit Up-date

"Gen. Cartwright pretends to blow it up with his laser finger"

They did it. The Navy succeeded in blowing up the satellite. They hit it on the first shot too. Pretty bad ass if you ask me. Let that be a lesson to all you aliens out there, now's not the time to mess with us. That goes for you too Raul Castro!

[NY Times]

Blowing Shit Up: Space Edition

Missile "Misdemeanor" Elliot

The U.S. has decided that they're going to shoot down a spy satellite that is crashing down to earth. Ostensibly they're doing it because the large satellite poses a danger to humans, but we know the real reason. It's like my homeless friend JC tells me, "that satellite tracks all my movements, except it can't see me if I'm drunk". Now I don't know about the drunk part but if JC's right (as he always is) then that means this satellite could contain enumerable amounts of information about the nation's paranoid schizophrenics; information others could use against them or us. It's bad enough the CIA bugged the squirrels near JC's shopping cart, but now he might have to worry about Commies too. Can a schizo get a break?

Anyway, it seems to me that this is a dangerous move by the Navy. Just think about it. Right now the U.S. has a certain aura of dominating force (other than in Iraq, but the satellite isn't using terrorism or guerrilla tactics). Right now no one shoots missiles at us because they're pretty sure we could shoot them down and then retaliate. Now we're unnecessarily testing our accuracy in such manners, for everyone to see. What happens if we miss? Maybe Kim Jong Ill'n decides it's time to finally launch his one good missile and WWIII breaks out. I guess we better just pray that they nail it. America (hopefully) wins.

p.s. These missiles cost $10M. Sounds reasonable.

[NY Times]

Update: Beef with Paula Abdul and Billy Ray's Mistake

"My bad y'all"

I was recently on Google news, perusing the headlines, when I saw that Billy Ray Cyrus and his daughter are catching grief for not buckling up in one scene of the Hannah Montana movie. This is exactly the type of thing I expected to happen with Paula Abdul's smoking cat! It's funny that nowadays with the internets and the blogs even small miscues are creating much more drama than ever. Imagine the terrible innuendos Perez Hilton would have made with Paula's apparent animated bestiality, not to mention her feline lover's bad habits. We're living in different times ladies and gents.

Metro Dynamics: A Study of Zombies and Fourth Graders

"Does no food on the metro include brains?"

America Rulez is currently based out of America's Capital City, Washington, DC. This means at least two important things. First, I'm on the pulse of the Nation's capital and therefore the nation itself. Second, it means that I ride the Metro a lot. When I'm riding the Metro I can't help but observe a number of strange and interesting behaviors. Perhaps these behaviors come out because of the abnormal dynamic of the metro. It's really one of few places where adults lose their personal space on a regular basis and are forced to spend time with total strangers in close quarters. This unique atmosphere let's me observe a number of interesting phenomena.

There is often an eerie silence on the Metro during rush hour. For the most part people are zombies on their daily commute. In the morning they are tired, some holding onto sleep while others are mentally preparing for the day. I feel like when people are traveling they aren't really in their bodies. They leave their minds in bed until they get to work, allowing them to be extra rested once the day begins. The same is true on the ride home. Some people are silently tying up the loose ends of their work day while transitioning their minds to their personal lives and priorities, while others merely go into power save mode until they must interact with roommates or family members. It's similar to being on a long road trip where you zone out and realize that you haven't really been paying attention the last hour of your drive. I'm afraid that if for some reason I'm killed or I die on the Metro, my mind will be trapped at work or in bed. I hope someone lets it know that it's now homeless.

I noticed one other interesting and irritating of the Metro phenomena. This is when seemingly normal and grown up people become anxious and impatient fourth graders. I work in an area of DC called Farragut North and the majority of morning Metro riders heading down with me on the Red Line exit at this stop. Every single day the vast majority of people leave at this stop, causing the doors to remain open much longer than most other stops. Despite this consistent fact many seemingly normal adults experience an inner panic reminiscent of trying to be first in line on the way to lunch in grade school. These people will get up twenty seconds before the train stops and anxiously push their way to the doors, asking people to move out of the way or even awkwardly pushing past them when in all likelihood these people will also be exiting.

The other day I was sitting on the outside seat while the inside rider made all the "getting off the train" motions, which I mirrored by tensing up, trying to signal that I too would be leaving. Still they found the need to tap me and let me know they will be getting off, but in a rude manner. I gave them the head nod but I refused to get up before the train stops, I know that the doors will not shut on me and therefore can wait two seconds in my seat. That was mildly annoying.

The worst though was when I am standing on a packed train and someone elbows their way through me as the train slows to the station. By some miracle I manage to get off even though i don't plow my way to the front. Maybe it's just my inner irritation with budgers (line cutters), but this kind of thing bothers me.

New NFL Scandal Twists League's Great Expectations

With the New England Patriots simultaneously immersed in a cheating scandal and creating thoughts that NFL parity is a thing of the past, the NFL was saved by the heartwarming story of lovable Eli Manning and his underdog Giants winning the Super Bowl. Thanks to the Giant’s thrilling victory and Eli’s emergence as a big time quarterback, NFL fans threw out notions of New England invincibility.

Unfortunately, it seems that the old adage is coming true again that what goes up must invariably come down. My initial suspicions proved to be correct: the NFL is guilty of violating child labor laws. In the employ of an NFL team there is an individual who is clearly too young to be working any full time job, let alone in the NFL. I’m here to report that the exploited child isn’t a ball boy or water girl, but none other than Super Bowl MVP Eli Manning. This may be shocking to hear…but Eli Manning is actually a ten year old boy. The following is documented evidence that I’ve been able to dig up on this monumental exploitation.

Evidence 1a-b: A small child’s blanket and testimony of a Giant’s security guard.

Eli's alleged blankie

The following is the testimony of Giant’s locker room security guard Frank Ellis:

Frank Ellis: “So I’m there at the Super Bowl, making sure nobody comes in disturbing the team and what not, when I hears something funny. I says to [fellow security guard] Brian [Thomson], hey Brian, it sounds like some little kid’s crying in there or something. So I go in to sneak a peek. All I see is [Tom] Coughlin and Archie [Manning] talking to Eli and he’s bawling. I hear them tell him that he can’t bring his blankie on the field with him and the guy’s throwing a fit. They finally tell him that if he doesn’t leave it in his locker they’re going to give it to Peyton [Manning]. He sniffled a little, looked at his blankie, and then said fine. I don’t know no grown men who would be carrying around blankies - that’s for sure.”

Evidence 2a-b: A juice box and testimony of a Super Bowl photographer.

Not a big boy cup

The following is the testimony of UPI photographer Kevin Condrut.

Kevin Condrut: “...I was taking pictures of the Giant’s sideline when I noticed something strange about Eli Manning. Everyone else on the sidelines was drinking Gatorade or water, but I looked over and Eli was drinking a juice box. Apple, I believe. Last time I drank one of those I was probably 8-9 years old. Strange.”


Evidence 3: Audio recording of Giant’s sideline.

The following is the transcript of audio from the Giant’s sideline prior to New York’s final drive:

Tom Coughlin: “Alright gentlemen, this is the moment we’ve all been dreaming about our whole lives. (shouting)…So let’s get out there and finish this thing. Eli? What’s the matter Eli?”
Eli Manning: “I don’t wanna go out there. I wanna watch Sponge Bob, make stupid Peyton do it.”
Coughlin: “God, damn it! (Into headphone) Guys, can someone get Archie down here? Eli’s being fussy.
(Various words of encouragement and excitement)
Archie Manning: “What is it Tom?”
Coughlin: “Eli says he wants to watch Sponge Bob and not finish the game.”
Archie: “Now Eli…we talked about this.”
Eli: “I don’t wanna.”
Archie: “You listen here mister, if you don’t march your butt out there you will not be hanging out at Billy’s house for two weeks!”
Eli: “Awww man! But Dad, I just wanna watch Sponge Bob.”
Archie: “No Sponge Bob until you finish your Super Bowl. And that’s final!”
Eli: “Fine.”


Evidence 4: Transcript of post-game interview

The next piece of evidence is a tape of Eli’s post game interview with Pam Oliver.

Pam Oliver: “Eli Manning, incredible job of leading that final drive and winning the Super Bowl. How’s it feel to be the Super Bowl MVP.”
Eli Manning: “Thanks Pam. It feels great. I always wanted to be just like my big brother Peyton.”
Oliver: “What are your plans now that you are a Super Bowl champion?”
Eli: “Peyton promised me that when we got home he would ride bikes with me. He also promised that if I won MVP he’d help me build a tree fort. I can’t wait!


Evidence 5: Transcript of post-game press conference

The final piece of evidence is probably the most damning for the NFL. Here’s a brief transcript containing a portion of Eli’s post-game press conference.

Journalist: “Eli, you’ve had such great success at such a young age. How old are you again, 26, 27...?”
Eli: “This many.” (holds up ten fingers)

Visualization of Eli's alleged real age

Although it’s troubling for me as a lifelong fan to bring these indictments against the NFL, I feel even stronger that child labor is an abhorrent practice. I’m sure once these facts are brought to the light it will probably hurt the league and the New York Giants organization a great deal. It will likely be revealed that Eli Manning’s birth certificate was forged and that he is indeed ten years old. At the end of all of this we can at least take comfort in knowing that the Patriot’s defense was picked apart by a ten year old boy.

Please Sir, don't make me score

Happy Catholic New Year's Eve!

"Save us Jesus!"

As Girls Gone Wild has probably taught you, Mardi Gras is quite the celebration. For those who don't know the religious significance let me lay it out for you to play it out. Mardi Gras (or Fat Tuesday in normal people talk) is the culmination of Carnival and the last day before Lent begins on Ash Wednesday. For Catholics this means one last day to eat meat and do other really crazy stuff before making the traditional sacrifices of Lent (anyone want to hit the holy water one last time?). In fact "Carnival" has been translated from a Latin phrase meaning "the removal of meat", as opposed to the Brazilian translation "the removal of clothes".

During Lent, Catholics give up meat on Fridays (no pepperoni on that Jumbo slice) and also give up any number of sinful activities they deem achievable or appropriate. Apparently college coeds give up flashing their breasts and therefore do it as much as possible on Mardi Gras. Anyway it's very similar to New Year's Eve, you get really drunk and do as much bad stuff as possible, then you try to give it all up. Lenten sacrifices are the soul's equivalent of New Year's resolutions.

That's one benefit of being Catholic. You get two chances at resolutions. "Well I gave up worshiping false idols for the New Year, but it was so hard. I mean...well...I just love Clay Aiken and I can't help it. I guess I'll try again for Lent and this time I only have to do it for 40 days; just in time for Clay's Easter spectacular!"

What's my Lenten sacrifice you ask? This year I'm giving up building robots that may or may not rebel against the humans who created them. I hope the guy from Terminator does the same thing. Here's some other famous people and their sacrifices:

John McCain: campaign finance reform

Hilary Clinton: scowling

Barack Obama: cocai...ummm smoking (j/k!)

Kobe Bryant: passing

Britney: insanity

Eli Manning: juice boxes (is he not 12?)

Bill Belichick: sleeves, oh wait, he's got that covered

Pope Benedict: creeping people out

Tom Brady: super models...psych!

Ralph Nader = the Buffalo Bills of Presidential Candidates

Looks like ol' Ralph is at it again. He's looking to run and lose his fourth campaign for president. Ralph Nader is like Kevin Costner in Tin Cup. Even though his ball keeps going in the water he won't stop trying for the green. Unlike Costner though, the only green that Nader is going to hit probably isn't legal.

This is starting to get ridiculous. I feel like it's reached the point where Nader runs just to see how many friends he has in each state. "Wow, I didn't realize I was friends with five people in Nebraska. Oh wait, I forgot that the Johnson's kids were old enough to vote now. That makes five."

He believes that since Edwards dropped out and Willy Wonka apparently stole Kucinich back, those interested in a populist candidate might be interested in him. I wonder if the people who work on his campaigns just don't tell him the truth. I wonder if they create elaborate fake election results where he barely loses each time. "Sorry Mr. Nader, you lost by one vote again!" Instead they should explain to him that when the television said 'Nader - 2000' that was how many votes he received, not what year he was running.

On the other hand though, I can't knock the hustle. He keeps running and getting to do all sorts of sweet things I'm sure. Free dinners probably or at the very least some air time. After all the exposure I'm sure he can pull some good money giving speeches and stuff. Not a bad gig if you ask me. Honestly I'd rather hang out with Nader than John Kerry for what its worth.

[UPI]

Tropical Gangstas v. The Government

My boy, the Cripler from Tropical Gangstas, put me onto their new jam. The Tropical Gangstas apparently have a different point of view on our government.



This joint is too hot.

United Planets of America?

I just read that Virgin has almost completed the first private spaceship. For some reason I just have the impression that Sir Richard Branson was sitting around with a couple of his pals (Spiderman, Bill Gates, Saudi Kings), drinking panda blood and skeet shooting original Beatles recordings when he plopped himself down in his elephant skin chair and said "i'm bloody bored". His buddies were all like: "what do you want to do Chuck? Do you want to buy a city or maybe blow up some hummers?" Finally Branson replied: "I want to eat an ostrich egg on the moon." Next thing you know we have Virgin Galactic.

They also already have 200 people signed up to go. Apparently Lance Bass is not only the gayest boy bander, but he's also an outer space trend setter. I remember his outer space aspirations fondly. Now Lance and a bunch of other rich people can finally go there. Dreams do come true.

Now that I think about it I wonder if the whole Lance in space thing wasn't just part of his plan to come out of the closet. I mean think about it from his point of view. You tell your mom that you're going to outer space and she probably flips out. She doesn't want you to risk your life or at the very least leave for many years. Then it turns out that you're not actually going to space, you're just gay. It's the old "mom i'm pregnant, just kidding but i did get a D in math" trick. Apparently coming out is so big that you have to hit them with an epic lie, to the tune of you going to outer space. Very shrewd Lance, very shrewd.

As for me I'm cool with gyroplanes for now. I can't even go on minor amusement park rides without feeling nauseous, let alone outer space.

article:
virgin unveils private spaceship design

Picture:
Branson

Better Together on MLK Day

No work on MLK Day? I guess we could have the time of our lives!



Martin Luther King Jr wins.

Concerned about Snow?

I love snow, but snow is it's own worst enemy in the arena of public opinion. What I mean is simple. Many people love snow and love being in the snow, however the very same snow they love causes them to squint and bunch up their face to avoid an eyeball full of precipitation. What's the result? When it's snowing everyone walks around looking very concerned, when many would rather be expressing delight.

The flip side of this of course are those hardened souls who hate snow or at the very least are concerned about it. No one can tell how concerned they are because it looks like they're merely scowling for ocular safety. Must be frustrating for them too, leading them to even more misleading scowls.

Personally I'm not concerned about it and would like to express myself as such. I've tried keeping my eyes wide open before, but it looks creepy. Maybe I'll make shirts that say "I'm actually not concerned about the snow, in fact, I enjoy it". I'll have to get one of those 7XL shirts like the soulja boys wear to fit it all.

Patriot Lames

Due to all the success that the New England Patriots have had it seems like they have an awful lot of fans nowadays. Now I'm ok with people cheering for their team and I can even accept a little of them rubbing it in. But I refuse to listen to any of the cheering or taunting from casual fans or those who didn't pay their dues. For example if you cheered for the Pats while Pete Carroll ran them into the ground, I'm ok with you being excited now. But if you were a Cowboys fan and then decided that all of a sudden you're a Patriots fan, then you don't deserve to taunt. You dudes didn't pay your dues. So here are the guidelines which you must pass for me to consider you a legit Pat's fan:

First, which group are you? A) Have lived in New England or B) Haven't lived in New England

Guidelines for those who have lived in New England:

A)If you have lived in New England then you are allowed to be a fan, with a few notable exceptions:

1) If you have lived there for less than four years than you must have been a Patriots fan prior to 2001**.
2) If you live in Connecticut and have ever been a fan of the NY Giants or NY Jets then you must have switched allegiance prior to 1996*.
3) If you were a fan of any previous team that won a Super Bowl in your lifetime you must have switched allegiance before high school or 2001, whichever is earlier.

Guidelines for those who have never lived in New England:

B) If you have never lived in New England then you are not allowed to be a fan, with a few notable exceptions:

1) If you or a parent are a lifelong Patriots fan
2) If you have a relative or friend on the team
3) If you became a fan prior to 1996
4) If you became a fan prior to 2001, and was never a fan of a team that won a Super Bowl in your lifetime.

*The Patriots went to the Super Bowl at the end of the '96 season
**The Patriots won their first Super Bowl at the end of the '01 season

If you pass the guidelines then congratulations, enjoy the easy life. As for me, I'll go on suffering the fate of a Bill's fan.

My Long Standing Issue with Paula Abdul

I've held this in as long as I could (that's what she said), but seeing the video for "Opposites Attract" on the VH1 top 100 songs of the 90's has reignited it. It's not so much that I personally take issue with the video for Opposites Attract. I don't mind it that much. But moms and anti-smoking people around the US should have been pissed that Paula Abdul doesn't like cigarrettes, but the cool cartoon cat "likes to smoke".

What a great role model this cartoon is. He's clearly sweet, I mean he's definitely banging Paula Abdul (at the height of her stardom no less). But is it necessary for him to be pro-tobacco. If I'm a little dude I'm thinking if I want hotties to love me I definitely need to smoke AND rap, then it's a done deal. When I was watching the commentary on VH1 they never mentioned this, but they did mention that the cat was supposed to get his own cartoon show at some point. Imagine on Saturday morning your kid is watching cool cat smoke cigs and shoot pool, just like daddy before he went to prison. Real classy Paula, real classy.



Note: This video won a grammy. Not only do they approve but they think it's worth awarding. Nice.

Gyroplanes are the Sweetest

If there is one thing that is universally true, it's that Gyroplanes are the sweetest thing ever. Just think about it, your own personal helicopter.

I was reading about them in a popular mechanics article and my head almost exploded from the awesomeness.



How fucking sweet is that!? Still not convinced?



As soon as I can I'm flying one of those things. It's just you basically flying a go-kart through the air. Forget about it.

Case closed, America wins, no diggity.

Proximity Mines in the Archives

If the name of this post means nothing to you, then you obviously haven't played Golden Eye for Nintendo 64. Probably one of the sweetest games ever.

Anyway...

A couple of my friends came down to Cap City for New Year's Eve, so we showed them around visiting museums and the like. This included a trip to the National Archives. Before I talk about that though, let me talk about a slight pet peeve of mine. It bothers me a little when people tell me "Happy New Years!" The "s" is necessary in New Year's Eve, but in this context it is not. I'm not celebrating the start of multiple years, so you don't have to address me as such. Unless of course these people are referring to the start of some other year as well as the calender year, in which case ignore the previous sentence.

Anyway...

We went to the archives to snoop around and it was pretty sweet. They have an exhibit with artifacts from some of the President's childhoods. This lead me to stumble on a couple truths.

#1) Gerald Ford was a badass. This dude played center for Michigan football and looked pretty tough. I would not fight him.

#2) JFK was the worst student ever. His grades are hilariously bad, he clearly didn't care until college.

#3) Jimmy Carter was a really skinny kid. I could take him, until he went to the Navy.

#4) Barbara Bush was definitely decent looking back in the day. Now I'm basing this on one picture so I'll leave it at decent.

#5) George H.W. Bush was sweet. He was a former college baseball player, had a solid wife, was the youngest pilot in the force at the time he entered, and just dominated. Too bad little bushy didn't take after him more.

I'm not sure how much longer the exhibit is for, but i recommend it. It was genuinely interesting.