New NFL Scandal Twists League's Great Expectations

With the New England Patriots simultaneously immersed in a cheating scandal and creating thoughts that NFL parity is a thing of the past, the NFL was saved by the heartwarming story of lovable Eli Manning and his underdog Giants winning the Super Bowl. Thanks to the Giant’s thrilling victory and Eli’s emergence as a big time quarterback, NFL fans threw out notions of New England invincibility.

Unfortunately, it seems that the old adage is coming true again that what goes up must invariably come down. My initial suspicions proved to be correct: the NFL is guilty of violating child labor laws. In the employ of an NFL team there is an individual who is clearly too young to be working any full time job, let alone in the NFL. I’m here to report that the exploited child isn’t a ball boy or water girl, but none other than Super Bowl MVP Eli Manning. This may be shocking to hear…but Eli Manning is actually a ten year old boy. The following is documented evidence that I’ve been able to dig up on this monumental exploitation.

Evidence 1a-b: A small child’s blanket and testimony of a Giant’s security guard.

Eli's alleged blankie

The following is the testimony of Giant’s locker room security guard Frank Ellis:

Frank Ellis: “So I’m there at the Super Bowl, making sure nobody comes in disturbing the team and what not, when I hears something funny. I says to [fellow security guard] Brian [Thomson], hey Brian, it sounds like some little kid’s crying in there or something. So I go in to sneak a peek. All I see is [Tom] Coughlin and Archie [Manning] talking to Eli and he’s bawling. I hear them tell him that he can’t bring his blankie on the field with him and the guy’s throwing a fit. They finally tell him that if he doesn’t leave it in his locker they’re going to give it to Peyton [Manning]. He sniffled a little, looked at his blankie, and then said fine. I don’t know no grown men who would be carrying around blankies - that’s for sure.”

Evidence 2a-b: A juice box and testimony of a Super Bowl photographer.

Not a big boy cup

The following is the testimony of UPI photographer Kevin Condrut.

Kevin Condrut: “...I was taking pictures of the Giant’s sideline when I noticed something strange about Eli Manning. Everyone else on the sidelines was drinking Gatorade or water, but I looked over and Eli was drinking a juice box. Apple, I believe. Last time I drank one of those I was probably 8-9 years old. Strange.”


Evidence 3: Audio recording of Giant’s sideline.

The following is the transcript of audio from the Giant’s sideline prior to New York’s final drive:

Tom Coughlin: “Alright gentlemen, this is the moment we’ve all been dreaming about our whole lives. (shouting)…So let’s get out there and finish this thing. Eli? What’s the matter Eli?”
Eli Manning: “I don’t wanna go out there. I wanna watch Sponge Bob, make stupid Peyton do it.”
Coughlin: “God, damn it! (Into headphone) Guys, can someone get Archie down here? Eli’s being fussy.
(Various words of encouragement and excitement)
Archie Manning: “What is it Tom?”
Coughlin: “Eli says he wants to watch Sponge Bob and not finish the game.”
Archie: “Now Eli…we talked about this.”
Eli: “I don’t wanna.”
Archie: “You listen here mister, if you don’t march your butt out there you will not be hanging out at Billy’s house for two weeks!”
Eli: “Awww man! But Dad, I just wanna watch Sponge Bob.”
Archie: “No Sponge Bob until you finish your Super Bowl. And that’s final!”
Eli: “Fine.”


Evidence 4: Transcript of post-game interview

The next piece of evidence is a tape of Eli’s post game interview with Pam Oliver.

Pam Oliver: “Eli Manning, incredible job of leading that final drive and winning the Super Bowl. How’s it feel to be the Super Bowl MVP.”
Eli Manning: “Thanks Pam. It feels great. I always wanted to be just like my big brother Peyton.”
Oliver: “What are your plans now that you are a Super Bowl champion?”
Eli: “Peyton promised me that when we got home he would ride bikes with me. He also promised that if I won MVP he’d help me build a tree fort. I can’t wait!


Evidence 5: Transcript of post-game press conference

The final piece of evidence is probably the most damning for the NFL. Here’s a brief transcript containing a portion of Eli’s post-game press conference.

Journalist: “Eli, you’ve had such great success at such a young age. How old are you again, 26, 27...?”
Eli: “This many.” (holds up ten fingers)

Visualization of Eli's alleged real age

Although it’s troubling for me as a lifelong fan to bring these indictments against the NFL, I feel even stronger that child labor is an abhorrent practice. I’m sure once these facts are brought to the light it will probably hurt the league and the New York Giants organization a great deal. It will likely be revealed that Eli Manning’s birth certificate was forged and that he is indeed ten years old. At the end of all of this we can at least take comfort in knowing that the Patriot’s defense was picked apart by a ten year old boy.

Please Sir, don't make me score