10 Years of Magic

Some of you that don't read XXL regularly may not have heard that this year is the ten year anniversary of the debut album and follow-up of music's greatest enigma. Who could it be you ask; Prince, or Lauren Hill, or even Mase? No, someone even more mystifying...DMX. Ten years ago DMX became the first artist to have two albums go platinum in the same year, no kidding. Unfortunately I think he also set world records for no shows and arrests. My hero.

In celebration of ten years of scaring the shit out of people, DMX has been doing interviews and appearing in a lot of magazines. I recently read XXL's interview with him and it changed my life. Here's some excerpts with my added commentary:

Right. So what artists are you listening to right now?
Same ones I been listening to—Nas and Scarface.

Nas and Scarface?
Yep, Nas and Scarface.

- Nas and Scarface huh DMX? Then one would assume that your albums would have the feel of a Nas or Scarface album. Are you sure you've only been listening to Nas and Scarface albums? Are you sure you don't mean old DMX albums? I'm not trying to say that they all sound the same. Actually, yes, that is what I'm trying to say. I liked DMX's album the first time he did it, even the second time, but by the third and on it began to wear thin.

What were you doing in between—from the last album to this one, that whole time? What have you been up to?
Life. I been up to that. It’s been crazy. Fuckin’ police keep on fuckin’ raiding my house and shit for nothing. They took all my fuckin’ guns. All they did is take my guns. All they fuckin’ do is fuck my house up and take my guns. That’s all they did. Straight robbed me—that’s what they did.

- They took all your guns? Thank the Lord! First of all, DMX is a convicted felon, which means he's not allowed to own guns, so I'm pretty sure they didn't "rob" him. Second of all, he's DMX! You know how much safer we are when he's not strapped? Dude gets into enough trouble by himself, we don't need him armed.

On Barack Obama:
Wow, Barack! The n*’s name is Barack. Barack? N* named Barack Obama. What the fuck, man?! Is he serious? That ain’t his fuckin’ name. Ima tell this n* when I see him, “Stop that bullshit. Stop that bullshit” [laughs] “That ain’t your fuckin’ name.” Your momma ain’t name you no damn Barack.

- This from a guy who goes by "DMX". Too bad convicted felons can't vote, he's got his finger on the pulse of the nation.

I'm pretty sure DMX is the most entertaining dude in the world. I hope he stays out of prison so he can do more interviews.

BONUS CHALLENGE: I have always wondered which word/sound comes up most in DMX's discography; is it the f word, the n word, or dog barks? First person to answer this question wins!

"(growling noises)"

Ken Lee: A National Treasure

American music is so money that people with no concept of the words sing it on national tv. Awesome. I know I Ken Lee America, talibu dibu dowchu.

Eliot Spitzer: Moral Crusader

News out of my home state of New York as governor Eliot Spitzer has admitted to having been involved with a prostitution ring as a client. What a wonderful dose of irony as a man known for fighting corruption in NY gets busted for hanging with some ho's.

I like Spitzer's approach though. He's not trying to avoid it or keep it under wraps, but rather is being a man and stepping forward with his transgressions. On the other hand it kind of takes the fun out of the whole thing. There's no "bitch set me up moment" like with DC's own Marion Barry.

It will be interesting to see if Spitzer can keep his job and if the whole thing will blow over. Kwame Kilpatrick, the mayor of Detroit, isn't letting his sex scandal get him down and the Minnesota Vikings still have a team after their "Sex Boat Scandal", so there's hope for him. Maybe the next time he's in DC (where this redezvous took place) he could meet with Councilman Barry, who served 6 months in prison for getting caught smoking crack cocaine, and then was reelected mayor, then got three years probation for failing a drug test, and is currently a DC councilman. That man is bullet proof.

According to the Wall Street Journal his brother, Daniel Spitzer, a neurosurgeon, said: "If men never succumbed to the attractions of women, then the human species would have died out a long time ago." Way to put it in perspective. In a similar vein, 3LW was quoted as saying "Playas, they gon play".

The Legend of the Just Fresh Large Cookie

We need a hero

I recently had lunch at Just Fresh, a fancy pants sandwich stop in DC. My coworker pointed out to me that they list their cookie on the menu as the "Legendary Large Cookie". Now I know what some of you are thinking, hyperbole in food advertising is starting to get out of control. Everything is listed as delicious, or tantilizing, or legendary, or a similarly overstated adjective. Normally I would be inclined to agree with your wise observation, but not in this case. This is because I know the legend of the Just Fresh cookie, which I will share with you now.

The year: Late 2007. The place: America. Surely a trying time in cookie history as a health conscious craze had swept the once cookie hungry nation. It seemed that the allure of the delightful circular treat was but a small remnant of it's once great self. These times called for a bold new cookie to lead the way. In a land where Oreo's and Tollhouse cookies once proved sufficiently attractive, a bigger, better solution was desperately needed; a treat so delightful, so tempting, it could crack the collective will of the diet crazed society.

A meeting was called, drawing all the leading cookie scientists from the outer reaches of America. The purpose of this meeting, called by former Buffalo Bill's running back and cookie aficionado Carlton Chester "Cookie" Gilchrist, was part of a plan to crack the iron will of America's dieters and subsequently return cookie demand to normal. The scientists came up with a brilliant idea: make the cookies slightly larger than other cookies. If cookies were once tempting, than surely larger cookies would do the trick! They quickly produced 5 varieties of minimally larger cookies and released them at Just Fresh locations all over the East Coast.

Legendary cookie breakthrough

I'm sure at this point it's unnecessary for me to tell you that the epically slim change was enough to reinvigorate American cookie snacking. Now that's what I call a Legendary Large Cookie, putting Just Fresh on the map!

Snake Keeps Dogging Local Family

welp, see ya later!

A friend of mine recent brought to my attention a news story out of Australia where a python ate a family's dog while their children watched. Apparently the snake had been stalking the dog for a while and finally decided it was time to take him down. While the snake was eating him the family tried to save the dog by throwing chairs at it to no avail.

This whole situation raises a number of questions in my mind. First of all, why didn't the family report the snake when they noticed it stalking their dog in the first place? It was also reported that it had partially eaten their cat as well as their guinea pig. Are pythons so common in Australia that you don't report them until your dog is inching it's way toward their center? Seems to me that if I saw a large snake hanging around my house I'd probably think about getting it removed, if not for my dog's safety, maybe for the safety of my small children (aged 5 and 7). The father said he feared for his children's life, but apparently only until it was eating their dog. Maybe up until then he thought it might make a good replacement pet for the guinea pig and cat that bit the dust.

I like that the family tried to throw chairs at the snake. Was this Stone Cold Steve Austin's family by any chance? Maybe the Undertaker's? I have an idea for the nervous father: how about you take your two young children into the house instead of angering a giant python by throwing plastic chairs at it. Perhaps we shouldn't let them be scarred for life. Just a thought.

[The Canadian Press]