Pure America

In Which Greg is a Dick

I read on another blog that there is a website where you can type dialogue for animated characters. Enjoy.

Johnny Cash = Puff Daddy?

This may sound familiar if you know Johnny Cash's Folsom Prison Blues.

I'm not hating on Johnny, but it puts the idea that rappers are 'unoriginal because they sample' in perspective. Interesting.

The Future is Podcastic

1) I'm alive.
2) I've been a slacker.
3) I just discovered Podcasts.

For the uninitiated "a podcast is a series of digital-media files which are distributed over the Internet using syndication feeds for playback on portable media players and computers. The term podcast, like broadcast, can refer either to the series of content itself or to the method by which it is syndicated; the latter is also called podcasting." [Wikipedia]

Basically it's audio and video content available for your iPod that you can subscribe to, usually for free.

Since I found out how awesome these things are I immediately subscribed to about 20 of them. Now I have videos about scientific discoveries, audio of ESPN's PTI, hip hop videos, and a bunch of others. Seriously sweet. I'll try to make some recommendations once I try them out, but this is the biggest advancement in my life since netflix.

American Diversity: The Languages of the West

Aww broseph, that's sooo sick!

Thank Matthew Lesko for your Economic Stimulus

Matthew Lesko rulez. Fo' Sho.

The Netflix Experiment

Surf ninjas is here dudes. It's f-ing here. I plan on watching it along with 3 ninjas, back to back. I'm going to do a little experiment. I remember seriously thinking these movies were awesome back in the day. Not ironically, not awesomely bad, but serious cinematic masterpieces. I feel like this time around it might not be the same and therefore crushing everything my inner child holds dear. A lesser lover of America would bow from this challenge, content in the knowledge that what was awesome to a ten year old version of themselves would hold up to their mature, blog writing current self. I am not this person however and I dedicate myself to the task. I'll report back on my findings.

Goodbye inner child...or hello eternal innocence? Stay tuned.

Netflix is the greatest thing ever

That's Rob Schneider! No way!

I'll admit it took me a long time and I was hesitant to join, but I've finally signed up for Netflix. I haven't even received my first two movies yet and I'm already super pumped. First of all they have every movie I could ever want, ever. And by that I mean 'Surf Ninjas'. Better believe that's in the queue, along with '3 Ninjas' and a lot of 'Entourage'.

Not only does it have an insane collection, it also has free unlimited online stuff as well. Granted, a lot of these movies are super lame, but that's kind of the fun part. I need a reason to watch 'The Cougar Club' and it being free is that reason. I also get shit from my friends for not having seen all these 'classic' movies that came out waaay before I was born. With the help of Netflix I'll win back my friend's respect in no time.

Thank you Netflix. Thank you.

Threat Level Midnight - True American Heroes

The following is why I've been a Slacky McSlackerson on the blog:



TLM = America

The New American Ninja

For those of you who work in tall office buildings you may have witnessed the triumph of the American dream that I call the "New American Ninja". These ninjas are a little different than the traditional ones or even the turtle ones. While they do repel off of skyscrapers and use special weapons to fight enemies, their arch nemesis is window dirt.

Yes, I'm talking about the window washers that semi monthly fly down mine and the surrounding buildings, skillfully removing all dirt in their path. I can't help but notice that most of them appear to be foreign born. Isn't that the beauty of America? What a great country where you can go from being a brain surgeon or politician in your native land and become, for all intents and purposes, an urban ninja. Because, as any five year old will tell you, there is nothing cooler than ninjas (except maybe dinosaurs, but let's be realistic).

Brings tears to my eyes.

10 Years of Magic

Some of you that don't read XXL regularly may not have heard that this year is the ten year anniversary of the debut album and follow-up of music's greatest enigma. Who could it be you ask; Prince, or Lauren Hill, or even Mase? No, someone even more mystifying...DMX. Ten years ago DMX became the first artist to have two albums go platinum in the same year, no kidding. Unfortunately I think he also set world records for no shows and arrests. My hero.

In celebration of ten years of scaring the shit out of people, DMX has been doing interviews and appearing in a lot of magazines. I recently read XXL's interview with him and it changed my life. Here's some excerpts with my added commentary:

Right. So what artists are you listening to right now?
Same ones I been listening to—Nas and Scarface.

Nas and Scarface?
Yep, Nas and Scarface.

- Nas and Scarface huh DMX? Then one would assume that your albums would have the feel of a Nas or Scarface album. Are you sure you've only been listening to Nas and Scarface albums? Are you sure you don't mean old DMX albums? I'm not trying to say that they all sound the same. Actually, yes, that is what I'm trying to say. I liked DMX's album the first time he did it, even the second time, but by the third and on it began to wear thin.

What were you doing in between—from the last album to this one, that whole time? What have you been up to?
Life. I been up to that. It’s been crazy. Fuckin’ police keep on fuckin’ raiding my house and shit for nothing. They took all my fuckin’ guns. All they did is take my guns. All they fuckin’ do is fuck my house up and take my guns. That’s all they did. Straight robbed me—that’s what they did.

- They took all your guns? Thank the Lord! First of all, DMX is a convicted felon, which means he's not allowed to own guns, so I'm pretty sure they didn't "rob" him. Second of all, he's DMX! You know how much safer we are when he's not strapped? Dude gets into enough trouble by himself, we don't need him armed.

On Barack Obama:
Wow, Barack! The n*’s name is Barack. Barack? N* named Barack Obama. What the fuck, man?! Is he serious? That ain’t his fuckin’ name. Ima tell this n* when I see him, “Stop that bullshit. Stop that bullshit” [laughs] “That ain’t your fuckin’ name.” Your momma ain’t name you no damn Barack.

- This from a guy who goes by "DMX". Too bad convicted felons can't vote, he's got his finger on the pulse of the nation.

I'm pretty sure DMX is the most entertaining dude in the world. I hope he stays out of prison so he can do more interviews.

BONUS CHALLENGE: I have always wondered which word/sound comes up most in DMX's discography; is it the f word, the n word, or dog barks? First person to answer this question wins!

"(growling noises)"

Ken Lee: A National Treasure

American music is so money that people with no concept of the words sing it on national tv. Awesome. I know I Ken Lee America, talibu dibu dowchu.

Eliot Spitzer: Moral Crusader

News out of my home state of New York as governor Eliot Spitzer has admitted to having been involved with a prostitution ring as a client. What a wonderful dose of irony as a man known for fighting corruption in NY gets busted for hanging with some ho's.

I like Spitzer's approach though. He's not trying to avoid it or keep it under wraps, but rather is being a man and stepping forward with his transgressions. On the other hand it kind of takes the fun out of the whole thing. There's no "bitch set me up moment" like with DC's own Marion Barry.

It will be interesting to see if Spitzer can keep his job and if the whole thing will blow over. Kwame Kilpatrick, the mayor of Detroit, isn't letting his sex scandal get him down and the Minnesota Vikings still have a team after their "Sex Boat Scandal", so there's hope for him. Maybe the next time he's in DC (where this redezvous took place) he could meet with Councilman Barry, who served 6 months in prison for getting caught smoking crack cocaine, and then was reelected mayor, then got three years probation for failing a drug test, and is currently a DC councilman. That man is bullet proof.

According to the Wall Street Journal his brother, Daniel Spitzer, a neurosurgeon, said: "If men never succumbed to the attractions of women, then the human species would have died out a long time ago." Way to put it in perspective. In a similar vein, 3LW was quoted as saying "Playas, they gon play".

The Legend of the Just Fresh Large Cookie

We need a hero

I recently had lunch at Just Fresh, a fancy pants sandwich stop in DC. My coworker pointed out to me that they list their cookie on the menu as the "Legendary Large Cookie". Now I know what some of you are thinking, hyperbole in food advertising is starting to get out of control. Everything is listed as delicious, or tantilizing, or legendary, or a similarly overstated adjective. Normally I would be inclined to agree with your wise observation, but not in this case. This is because I know the legend of the Just Fresh cookie, which I will share with you now.

The year: Late 2007. The place: America. Surely a trying time in cookie history as a health conscious craze had swept the once cookie hungry nation. It seemed that the allure of the delightful circular treat was but a small remnant of it's once great self. These times called for a bold new cookie to lead the way. In a land where Oreo's and Tollhouse cookies once proved sufficiently attractive, a bigger, better solution was desperately needed; a treat so delightful, so tempting, it could crack the collective will of the diet crazed society.

A meeting was called, drawing all the leading cookie scientists from the outer reaches of America. The purpose of this meeting, called by former Buffalo Bill's running back and cookie aficionado Carlton Chester "Cookie" Gilchrist, was part of a plan to crack the iron will of America's dieters and subsequently return cookie demand to normal. The scientists came up with a brilliant idea: make the cookies slightly larger than other cookies. If cookies were once tempting, than surely larger cookies would do the trick! They quickly produced 5 varieties of minimally larger cookies and released them at Just Fresh locations all over the East Coast.

Legendary cookie breakthrough

I'm sure at this point it's unnecessary for me to tell you that the epically slim change was enough to reinvigorate American cookie snacking. Now that's what I call a Legendary Large Cookie, putting Just Fresh on the map!

Snake Keeps Dogging Local Family

welp, see ya later!

A friend of mine recent brought to my attention a news story out of Australia where a python ate a family's dog while their children watched. Apparently the snake had been stalking the dog for a while and finally decided it was time to take him down. While the snake was eating him the family tried to save the dog by throwing chairs at it to no avail.

This whole situation raises a number of questions in my mind. First of all, why didn't the family report the snake when they noticed it stalking their dog in the first place? It was also reported that it had partially eaten their cat as well as their guinea pig. Are pythons so common in Australia that you don't report them until your dog is inching it's way toward their center? Seems to me that if I saw a large snake hanging around my house I'd probably think about getting it removed, if not for my dog's safety, maybe for the safety of my small children (aged 5 and 7). The father said he feared for his children's life, but apparently only until it was eating their dog. Maybe up until then he thought it might make a good replacement pet for the guinea pig and cat that bit the dust.

I like that the family tried to throw chairs at the snake. Was this Stone Cold Steve Austin's family by any chance? Maybe the Undertaker's? I have an idea for the nervous father: how about you take your two young children into the house instead of angering a giant python by throwing plastic chairs at it. Perhaps we shouldn't let them be scarred for life. Just a thought.

[The Canadian Press]

Blowing Shit Up-date

"Gen. Cartwright pretends to blow it up with his laser finger"

They did it. The Navy succeeded in blowing up the satellite. They hit it on the first shot too. Pretty bad ass if you ask me. Let that be a lesson to all you aliens out there, now's not the time to mess with us. That goes for you too Raul Castro!

[NY Times]

Update: Beef with Paula Abdul and Billy Ray's Mistake

"My bad y'all"

I was recently on Google news, perusing the headlines, when I saw that Billy Ray Cyrus and his daughter are catching grief for not buckling up in one scene of the Hannah Montana movie. This is exactly the type of thing I expected to happen with Paula Abdul's smoking cat! It's funny that nowadays with the internets and the blogs even small miscues are creating much more drama than ever. Imagine the terrible innuendos Perez Hilton would have made with Paula's apparent animated bestiality, not to mention her feline lover's bad habits. We're living in different times ladies and gents.

Metro Dynamics: A Study of Zombies and Fourth Graders

"Does no food on the metro include brains?"

America Rulez is currently based out of America's Capital City, Washington, DC. This means at least two important things. First, I'm on the pulse of the Nation's capital and therefore the nation itself. Second, it means that I ride the Metro a lot. When I'm riding the Metro I can't help but observe a number of strange and interesting behaviors. Perhaps these behaviors come out because of the abnormal dynamic of the metro. It's really one of few places where adults lose their personal space on a regular basis and are forced to spend time with total strangers in close quarters. This unique atmosphere let's me observe a number of interesting phenomena.

There is often an eerie silence on the Metro during rush hour. For the most part people are zombies on their daily commute. In the morning they are tired, some holding onto sleep while others are mentally preparing for the day. I feel like when people are traveling they aren't really in their bodies. They leave their minds in bed until they get to work, allowing them to be extra rested once the day begins. The same is true on the ride home. Some people are silently tying up the loose ends of their work day while transitioning their minds to their personal lives and priorities, while others merely go into power save mode until they must interact with roommates or family members. It's similar to being on a long road trip where you zone out and realize that you haven't really been paying attention the last hour of your drive. I'm afraid that if for some reason I'm killed or I die on the Metro, my mind will be trapped at work or in bed. I hope someone lets it know that it's now homeless.

I noticed one other interesting and irritating of the Metro phenomena. This is when seemingly normal and grown up people become anxious and impatient fourth graders. I work in an area of DC called Farragut North and the majority of morning Metro riders heading down with me on the Red Line exit at this stop. Every single day the vast majority of people leave at this stop, causing the doors to remain open much longer than most other stops. Despite this consistent fact many seemingly normal adults experience an inner panic reminiscent of trying to be first in line on the way to lunch in grade school. These people will get up twenty seconds before the train stops and anxiously push their way to the doors, asking people to move out of the way or even awkwardly pushing past them when in all likelihood these people will also be exiting.

The other day I was sitting on the outside seat while the inside rider made all the "getting off the train" motions, which I mirrored by tensing up, trying to signal that I too would be leaving. Still they found the need to tap me and let me know they will be getting off, but in a rude manner. I gave them the head nod but I refused to get up before the train stops, I know that the doors will not shut on me and therefore can wait two seconds in my seat. That was mildly annoying.

The worst though was when I am standing on a packed train and someone elbows their way through me as the train slows to the station. By some miracle I manage to get off even though i don't plow my way to the front. Maybe it's just my inner irritation with budgers (line cutters), but this kind of thing bothers me.

New NFL Scandal Twists League's Great Expectations

With the New England Patriots simultaneously immersed in a cheating scandal and creating thoughts that NFL parity is a thing of the past, the NFL was saved by the heartwarming story of lovable Eli Manning and his underdog Giants winning the Super Bowl. Thanks to the Giant’s thrilling victory and Eli’s emergence as a big time quarterback, NFL fans threw out notions of New England invincibility.

Unfortunately, it seems that the old adage is coming true again that what goes up must invariably come down. My initial suspicions proved to be correct: the NFL is guilty of violating child labor laws. In the employ of an NFL team there is an individual who is clearly too young to be working any full time job, let alone in the NFL. I’m here to report that the exploited child isn’t a ball boy or water girl, but none other than Super Bowl MVP Eli Manning. This may be shocking to hear…but Eli Manning is actually a ten year old boy. The following is documented evidence that I’ve been able to dig up on this monumental exploitation.

Evidence 1a-b: A small child’s blanket and testimony of a Giant’s security guard.

Eli's alleged blankie

The following is the testimony of Giant’s locker room security guard Frank Ellis:

Frank Ellis: “So I’m there at the Super Bowl, making sure nobody comes in disturbing the team and what not, when I hears something funny. I says to [fellow security guard] Brian [Thomson], hey Brian, it sounds like some little kid’s crying in there or something. So I go in to sneak a peek. All I see is [Tom] Coughlin and Archie [Manning] talking to Eli and he’s bawling. I hear them tell him that he can’t bring his blankie on the field with him and the guy’s throwing a fit. They finally tell him that if he doesn’t leave it in his locker they’re going to give it to Peyton [Manning]. He sniffled a little, looked at his blankie, and then said fine. I don’t know no grown men who would be carrying around blankies - that’s for sure.”

Evidence 2a-b: A juice box and testimony of a Super Bowl photographer.

Not a big boy cup

The following is the testimony of UPI photographer Kevin Condrut.

Kevin Condrut: “...I was taking pictures of the Giant’s sideline when I noticed something strange about Eli Manning. Everyone else on the sidelines was drinking Gatorade or water, but I looked over and Eli was drinking a juice box. Apple, I believe. Last time I drank one of those I was probably 8-9 years old. Strange.”


Evidence 3: Audio recording of Giant’s sideline.

The following is the transcript of audio from the Giant’s sideline prior to New York’s final drive:

Tom Coughlin: “Alright gentlemen, this is the moment we’ve all been dreaming about our whole lives. (shouting)…So let’s get out there and finish this thing. Eli? What’s the matter Eli?”
Eli Manning: “I don’t wanna go out there. I wanna watch Sponge Bob, make stupid Peyton do it.”
Coughlin: “God, damn it! (Into headphone) Guys, can someone get Archie down here? Eli’s being fussy.
(Various words of encouragement and excitement)
Archie Manning: “What is it Tom?”
Coughlin: “Eli says he wants to watch Sponge Bob and not finish the game.”
Archie: “Now Eli…we talked about this.”
Eli: “I don’t wanna.”
Archie: “You listen here mister, if you don’t march your butt out there you will not be hanging out at Billy’s house for two weeks!”
Eli: “Awww man! But Dad, I just wanna watch Sponge Bob.”
Archie: “No Sponge Bob until you finish your Super Bowl. And that’s final!”
Eli: “Fine.”


Evidence 4: Transcript of post-game interview

The next piece of evidence is a tape of Eli’s post game interview with Pam Oliver.

Pam Oliver: “Eli Manning, incredible job of leading that final drive and winning the Super Bowl. How’s it feel to be the Super Bowl MVP.”
Eli Manning: “Thanks Pam. It feels great. I always wanted to be just like my big brother Peyton.”
Oliver: “What are your plans now that you are a Super Bowl champion?”
Eli: “Peyton promised me that when we got home he would ride bikes with me. He also promised that if I won MVP he’d help me build a tree fort. I can’t wait!


Evidence 5: Transcript of post-game press conference

The final piece of evidence is probably the most damning for the NFL. Here’s a brief transcript containing a portion of Eli’s post-game press conference.

Journalist: “Eli, you’ve had such great success at such a young age. How old are you again, 26, 27...?”
Eli: “This many.” (holds up ten fingers)

Visualization of Eli's alleged real age

Although it’s troubling for me as a lifelong fan to bring these indictments against the NFL, I feel even stronger that child labor is an abhorrent practice. I’m sure once these facts are brought to the light it will probably hurt the league and the New York Giants organization a great deal. It will likely be revealed that Eli Manning’s birth certificate was forged and that he is indeed ten years old. At the end of all of this we can at least take comfort in knowing that the Patriot’s defense was picked apart by a ten year old boy.

Please Sir, don't make me score

Happy Catholic New Year's Eve!

"Save us Jesus!"

As Girls Gone Wild has probably taught you, Mardi Gras is quite the celebration. For those who don't know the religious significance let me lay it out for you to play it out. Mardi Gras (or Fat Tuesday in normal people talk) is the culmination of Carnival and the last day before Lent begins on Ash Wednesday. For Catholics this means one last day to eat meat and do other really crazy stuff before making the traditional sacrifices of Lent (anyone want to hit the holy water one last time?). In fact "Carnival" has been translated from a Latin phrase meaning "the removal of meat", as opposed to the Brazilian translation "the removal of clothes".

During Lent, Catholics give up meat on Fridays (no pepperoni on that Jumbo slice) and also give up any number of sinful activities they deem achievable or appropriate. Apparently college coeds give up flashing their breasts and therefore do it as much as possible on Mardi Gras. Anyway it's very similar to New Year's Eve, you get really drunk and do as much bad stuff as possible, then you try to give it all up. Lenten sacrifices are the soul's equivalent of New Year's resolutions.

That's one benefit of being Catholic. You get two chances at resolutions. "Well I gave up worshiping false idols for the New Year, but it was so hard. I mean...well...I just love Clay Aiken and I can't help it. I guess I'll try again for Lent and this time I only have to do it for 40 days; just in time for Clay's Easter spectacular!"

What's my Lenten sacrifice you ask? This year I'm giving up building robots that may or may not rebel against the humans who created them. I hope the guy from Terminator does the same thing. Here's some other famous people and their sacrifices:

John McCain: campaign finance reform

Hilary Clinton: scowling

Barack Obama: cocai...ummm smoking (j/k!)

Kobe Bryant: passing

Britney: insanity

Eli Manning: juice boxes (is he not 12?)

Bill Belichick: sleeves, oh wait, he's got that covered

Pope Benedict: creeping people out

Tom Brady: super models...psych!