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Awesome

1:20 to 1:50 is so good.

Suck it

"Bringin' Back Suck It" Part 1 - watch more funny videos

Pure America

You can find me in the club....and by me i mean my weiner

"Ahhh"

This is why America Rulez. A golf club that lets you pee outdoors. Game over.

Woot

This exists

http://www.badpaintingsofbarackobama.com/

What in the world could this painting possible be representing? Feel free to weigh in with a comment. My theory is that it means Barack is providing security and support (as represented by the underwear) to all peoples. And also he fucking loves tacos.

In Which Greg is a Dick

I read on another blog that there is a website where you can type dialogue for animated characters. Enjoy.

Donovan McNabb is the man part II

Read this

He taught Chad Johnson to be appreciative of his position in life and not be a cry baby. Told you he was classy.

America's New Boss

Frosted Frustration

Good source of fiber and frustration

I've been eating mad Bite Size Frosted Mini Wheats lately and I got some issues I need to address.

1) The bite size is still too big.

Ok, this is my main problem with FMW. I know what you're thinking: "but they're bite size" and also "you're a pussy". Don't be a dick. Listen up, I have no problem with the size when it comes to eating the cereal, that's fine. My beef is that the current size makes milk portioning very difficult. Let me explain. Whenever I'm pouring out milk for normal cereal it's pretty easy to guage how much I need. FMW's are different though because their larger size makes them less compact in the bowl. There is more air space for the milk to fill then with normal cereal. This makes me think I should use less. So I always use about the same or less, which leaves about a quarter of the cereal floating above the milk.

Now FMW just aren't as delish if they aren't in milk. The dry ones are lame to the max. But with that quarter floating above the fray, blocking all the milk soaked ones, it becomes difficult to eat the ones I want. So I end up grabbing one at a time from the bottom, in turn using more milk per spoonful than I normally would, and I end up with no milk and a bowl of half damp/half dry cereal. Then I have to re-pour like a total loser and it ruins my day. So if you're reading this "person from Kellogg that scours obscure blogs for product suggestions", make them smaller.

2) They have beef gelatin in them?

I looked this stuff up on wikipedia first to make sure there wasn't a smaller size I was unaware of, when I discovered they contain beef gelatin. F*ck that. I guess I have no issue with beef gelatin, but in my cereal? Kind of gross.

3) The "big bite" sized ones.

Seriously? Multiply the first two issues by two. Stupid. Who buys this size? This guy:

Johnny Cash = Puff Daddy?

This may sound familiar if you know Johnny Cash's Folsom Prison Blues.

I'm not hating on Johnny, but it puts the idea that rappers are 'unoriginal because they sample' in perspective. Interesting.

The Future is Podcastic

1) I'm alive.
2) I've been a slacker.
3) I just discovered Podcasts.

For the uninitiated "a podcast is a series of digital-media files which are distributed over the Internet using syndication feeds for playback on portable media players and computers. The term podcast, like broadcast, can refer either to the series of content itself or to the method by which it is syndicated; the latter is also called podcasting." [Wikipedia]

Basically it's audio and video content available for your iPod that you can subscribe to, usually for free.

Since I found out how awesome these things are I immediately subscribed to about 20 of them. Now I have videos about scientific discoveries, audio of ESPN's PTI, hip hop videos, and a bunch of others. Seriously sweet. I'll try to make some recommendations once I try them out, but this is the biggest advancement in my life since netflix.

American Diversity: The Languages of the West

Aww broseph, that's sooo sick!

Netflix Experiment Part 2

I finally got around to watching 3 Ninjas after watching Surf Ninjas right away. Here are my findings:

1) 3 Ninjas is way better. It didn't necessarily seem that way when i was younger but its true. I think it's because there is something in 3 Ninjas for everyone, where Surf Ninja's only really appeals to ten year old kids who like game gear and sass talking.

2) The kidnappers in 3 Ninjas are hilarious. For those who don't know, these guys are surfer dudes who say dude every three words and i fully support it.

3) My childhood isn't ruined. 3 Ninjas was as good as i remember it. Surf Ninjas was lame but i was probably somewhat of a sarcastic little punk, just like the kids in the movie so i know what i saw in it.

4) Ninjas are badass. There was sweet ninja stuff going on in both films, no beefing on that front.

5) I should stop writing posts about ninjas.

Pretty Sweet

This girl looks like she has noodles for legs. It's "wheely" good. GET IT!?

Thank Matthew Lesko for your Economic Stimulus

Matthew Lesko rulez. Fo' Sho.

The Netflix Experiment

Surf ninjas is here dudes. It's f-ing here. I plan on watching it along with 3 ninjas, back to back. I'm going to do a little experiment. I remember seriously thinking these movies were awesome back in the day. Not ironically, not awesomely bad, but serious cinematic masterpieces. I feel like this time around it might not be the same and therefore crushing everything my inner child holds dear. A lesser lover of America would bow from this challenge, content in the knowledge that what was awesome to a ten year old version of themselves would hold up to their mature, blog writing current self. I am not this person however and I dedicate myself to the task. I'll report back on my findings.

Goodbye inner child...or hello eternal innocence? Stay tuned.

Netflix is the greatest thing ever

That's Rob Schneider! No way!

I'll admit it took me a long time and I was hesitant to join, but I've finally signed up for Netflix. I haven't even received my first two movies yet and I'm already super pumped. First of all they have every movie I could ever want, ever. And by that I mean 'Surf Ninjas'. Better believe that's in the queue, along with '3 Ninjas' and a lot of 'Entourage'.

Not only does it have an insane collection, it also has free unlimited online stuff as well. Granted, a lot of these movies are super lame, but that's kind of the fun part. I need a reason to watch 'The Cougar Club' and it being free is that reason. I also get shit from my friends for not having seen all these 'classic' movies that came out waaay before I was born. With the help of Netflix I'll win back my friend's respect in no time.

Thank you Netflix. Thank you.

Threat Level Midnight - True American Heroes

The following is why I've been a Slacky McSlackerson on the blog:



TLM = America

The New American Ninja

For those of you who work in tall office buildings you may have witnessed the triumph of the American dream that I call the "New American Ninja". These ninjas are a little different than the traditional ones or even the turtle ones. While they do repel off of skyscrapers and use special weapons to fight enemies, their arch nemesis is window dirt.

Yes, I'm talking about the window washers that semi monthly fly down mine and the surrounding buildings, skillfully removing all dirt in their path. I can't help but notice that most of them appear to be foreign born. Isn't that the beauty of America? What a great country where you can go from being a brain surgeon or politician in your native land and become, for all intents and purposes, an urban ninja. Because, as any five year old will tell you, there is nothing cooler than ninjas (except maybe dinosaurs, but let's be realistic).

Brings tears to my eyes.

10 Years of Magic

Some of you that don't read XXL regularly may not have heard that this year is the ten year anniversary of the debut album and follow-up of music's greatest enigma. Who could it be you ask; Prince, or Lauren Hill, or even Mase? No, someone even more mystifying...DMX. Ten years ago DMX became the first artist to have two albums go platinum in the same year, no kidding. Unfortunately I think he also set world records for no shows and arrests. My hero.

In celebration of ten years of scaring the shit out of people, DMX has been doing interviews and appearing in a lot of magazines. I recently read XXL's interview with him and it changed my life. Here's some excerpts with my added commentary:

Right. So what artists are you listening to right now?
Same ones I been listening to—Nas and Scarface.

Nas and Scarface?
Yep, Nas and Scarface.

- Nas and Scarface huh DMX? Then one would assume that your albums would have the feel of a Nas or Scarface album. Are you sure you've only been listening to Nas and Scarface albums? Are you sure you don't mean old DMX albums? I'm not trying to say that they all sound the same. Actually, yes, that is what I'm trying to say. I liked DMX's album the first time he did it, even the second time, but by the third and on it began to wear thin.

What were you doing in between—from the last album to this one, that whole time? What have you been up to?
Life. I been up to that. It’s been crazy. Fuckin’ police keep on fuckin’ raiding my house and shit for nothing. They took all my fuckin’ guns. All they did is take my guns. All they fuckin’ do is fuck my house up and take my guns. That’s all they did. Straight robbed me—that’s what they did.

- They took all your guns? Thank the Lord! First of all, DMX is a convicted felon, which means he's not allowed to own guns, so I'm pretty sure they didn't "rob" him. Second of all, he's DMX! You know how much safer we are when he's not strapped? Dude gets into enough trouble by himself, we don't need him armed.

On Barack Obama:
Wow, Barack! The n*’s name is Barack. Barack? N* named Barack Obama. What the fuck, man?! Is he serious? That ain’t his fuckin’ name. Ima tell this n* when I see him, “Stop that bullshit. Stop that bullshit” [laughs] “That ain’t your fuckin’ name.” Your momma ain’t name you no damn Barack.

- This from a guy who goes by "DMX". Too bad convicted felons can't vote, he's got his finger on the pulse of the nation.

I'm pretty sure DMX is the most entertaining dude in the world. I hope he stays out of prison so he can do more interviews.

BONUS CHALLENGE: I have always wondered which word/sound comes up most in DMX's discography; is it the f word, the n word, or dog barks? First person to answer this question wins!

"(growling noises)"