New NFL Scandal Twists League's Great Expectations

With the New England Patriots simultaneously immersed in a cheating scandal and creating thoughts that NFL parity is a thing of the past, the NFL was saved by the heartwarming story of lovable Eli Manning and his underdog Giants winning the Super Bowl. Thanks to the Giant’s thrilling victory and Eli’s emergence as a big time quarterback, NFL fans threw out notions of New England invincibility.

Unfortunately, it seems that the old adage is coming true again that what goes up must invariably come down. My initial suspicions proved to be correct: the NFL is guilty of violating child labor laws. In the employ of an NFL team there is an individual who is clearly too young to be working any full time job, let alone in the NFL. I’m here to report that the exploited child isn’t a ball boy or water girl, but none other than Super Bowl MVP Eli Manning. This may be shocking to hear…but Eli Manning is actually a ten year old boy. The following is documented evidence that I’ve been able to dig up on this monumental exploitation.

Evidence 1a-b: A small child’s blanket and testimony of a Giant’s security guard.

Eli's alleged blankie

The following is the testimony of Giant’s locker room security guard Frank Ellis:

Frank Ellis: “So I’m there at the Super Bowl, making sure nobody comes in disturbing the team and what not, when I hears something funny. I says to [fellow security guard] Brian [Thomson], hey Brian, it sounds like some little kid’s crying in there or something. So I go in to sneak a peek. All I see is [Tom] Coughlin and Archie [Manning] talking to Eli and he’s bawling. I hear them tell him that he can’t bring his blankie on the field with him and the guy’s throwing a fit. They finally tell him that if he doesn’t leave it in his locker they’re going to give it to Peyton [Manning]. He sniffled a little, looked at his blankie, and then said fine. I don’t know no grown men who would be carrying around blankies - that’s for sure.”

Evidence 2a-b: A juice box and testimony of a Super Bowl photographer.

Not a big boy cup

The following is the testimony of UPI photographer Kevin Condrut.

Kevin Condrut: “...I was taking pictures of the Giant’s sideline when I noticed something strange about Eli Manning. Everyone else on the sidelines was drinking Gatorade or water, but I looked over and Eli was drinking a juice box. Apple, I believe. Last time I drank one of those I was probably 8-9 years old. Strange.”


Evidence 3: Audio recording of Giant’s sideline.

The following is the transcript of audio from the Giant’s sideline prior to New York’s final drive:

Tom Coughlin: “Alright gentlemen, this is the moment we’ve all been dreaming about our whole lives. (shouting)…So let’s get out there and finish this thing. Eli? What’s the matter Eli?”
Eli Manning: “I don’t wanna go out there. I wanna watch Sponge Bob, make stupid Peyton do it.”
Coughlin: “God, damn it! (Into headphone) Guys, can someone get Archie down here? Eli’s being fussy.
(Various words of encouragement and excitement)
Archie Manning: “What is it Tom?”
Coughlin: “Eli says he wants to watch Sponge Bob and not finish the game.”
Archie: “Now Eli…we talked about this.”
Eli: “I don’t wanna.”
Archie: “You listen here mister, if you don’t march your butt out there you will not be hanging out at Billy’s house for two weeks!”
Eli: “Awww man! But Dad, I just wanna watch Sponge Bob.”
Archie: “No Sponge Bob until you finish your Super Bowl. And that’s final!”
Eli: “Fine.”


Evidence 4: Transcript of post-game interview

The next piece of evidence is a tape of Eli’s post game interview with Pam Oliver.

Pam Oliver: “Eli Manning, incredible job of leading that final drive and winning the Super Bowl. How’s it feel to be the Super Bowl MVP.”
Eli Manning: “Thanks Pam. It feels great. I always wanted to be just like my big brother Peyton.”
Oliver: “What are your plans now that you are a Super Bowl champion?”
Eli: “Peyton promised me that when we got home he would ride bikes with me. He also promised that if I won MVP he’d help me build a tree fort. I can’t wait!


Evidence 5: Transcript of post-game press conference

The final piece of evidence is probably the most damning for the NFL. Here’s a brief transcript containing a portion of Eli’s post-game press conference.

Journalist: “Eli, you’ve had such great success at such a young age. How old are you again, 26, 27...?”
Eli: “This many.” (holds up ten fingers)

Visualization of Eli's alleged real age

Although it’s troubling for me as a lifelong fan to bring these indictments against the NFL, I feel even stronger that child labor is an abhorrent practice. I’m sure once these facts are brought to the light it will probably hurt the league and the New York Giants organization a great deal. It will likely be revealed that Eli Manning’s birth certificate was forged and that he is indeed ten years old. At the end of all of this we can at least take comfort in knowing that the Patriot’s defense was picked apart by a ten year old boy.

Please Sir, don't make me score

Patriot Lames

Due to all the success that the New England Patriots have had it seems like they have an awful lot of fans nowadays. Now I'm ok with people cheering for their team and I can even accept a little of them rubbing it in. But I refuse to listen to any of the cheering or taunting from casual fans or those who didn't pay their dues. For example if you cheered for the Pats while Pete Carroll ran them into the ground, I'm ok with you being excited now. But if you were a Cowboys fan and then decided that all of a sudden you're a Patriots fan, then you don't deserve to taunt. You dudes didn't pay your dues. So here are the guidelines which you must pass for me to consider you a legit Pat's fan:

First, which group are you? A) Have lived in New England or B) Haven't lived in New England

Guidelines for those who have lived in New England:

A)If you have lived in New England then you are allowed to be a fan, with a few notable exceptions:

1) If you have lived there for less than four years than you must have been a Patriots fan prior to 2001**.
2) If you live in Connecticut and have ever been a fan of the NY Giants or NY Jets then you must have switched allegiance prior to 1996*.
3) If you were a fan of any previous team that won a Super Bowl in your lifetime you must have switched allegiance before high school or 2001, whichever is earlier.

Guidelines for those who have never lived in New England:

B) If you have never lived in New England then you are not allowed to be a fan, with a few notable exceptions:

1) If you or a parent are a lifelong Patriots fan
2) If you have a relative or friend on the team
3) If you became a fan prior to 1996
4) If you became a fan prior to 2001, and was never a fan of a team that won a Super Bowl in your lifetime.

*The Patriots went to the Super Bowl at the end of the '96 season
**The Patriots won their first Super Bowl at the end of the '01 season

If you pass the guidelines then congratulations, enjoy the easy life. As for me, I'll go on suffering the fate of a Bill's fan.