Patriot Lames

Due to all the success that the New England Patriots have had it seems like they have an awful lot of fans nowadays. Now I'm ok with people cheering for their team and I can even accept a little of them rubbing it in. But I refuse to listen to any of the cheering or taunting from casual fans or those who didn't pay their dues. For example if you cheered for the Pats while Pete Carroll ran them into the ground, I'm ok with you being excited now. But if you were a Cowboys fan and then decided that all of a sudden you're a Patriots fan, then you don't deserve to taunt. You dudes didn't pay your dues. So here are the guidelines which you must pass for me to consider you a legit Pat's fan:

First, which group are you? A) Have lived in New England or B) Haven't lived in New England

Guidelines for those who have lived in New England:

A)If you have lived in New England then you are allowed to be a fan, with a few notable exceptions:

1) If you have lived there for less than four years than you must have been a Patriots fan prior to 2001**.
2) If you live in Connecticut and have ever been a fan of the NY Giants or NY Jets then you must have switched allegiance prior to 1996*.
3) If you were a fan of any previous team that won a Super Bowl in your lifetime you must have switched allegiance before high school or 2001, whichever is earlier.

Guidelines for those who have never lived in New England:

B) If you have never lived in New England then you are not allowed to be a fan, with a few notable exceptions:

1) If you or a parent are a lifelong Patriots fan
2) If you have a relative or friend on the team
3) If you became a fan prior to 1996
4) If you became a fan prior to 2001, and was never a fan of a team that won a Super Bowl in your lifetime.

*The Patriots went to the Super Bowl at the end of the '96 season
**The Patriots won their first Super Bowl at the end of the '01 season

If you pass the guidelines then congratulations, enjoy the easy life. As for me, I'll go on suffering the fate of a Bill's fan.

America getting out Patriot-ised?

There is a new law being proposed in Thailand that will require all citizens to stop twice a day for the national anthem. They already pump the national jam twice a day anyway, and this law would allow motorists to participate as well. Are Thai people more patriotic than Americans? Is it possible!?

Well lets quickly review America's daily patriotism. Right off the bat I can think of the pledge that students across the nation say every morning. Does that mean adult Americans aren't patriotic? Some people might think so, but those people are dumb. American's prove their patriotism everyday by getting pissed off at politicians who are trying to ruin their country and also getting quality use out of their rights. We love America so f-ing much that the average person probably exercises five or more of the Bill of Rights guarantees EVERY day.

Let's pretend for a moment that I'm an average American. Today I'm exercising at least five rights. You want proof? 1) I'm getting my first on as you read this; 2) Check my apartment, I literally guarantee you wont find any foreign troops quartered up in that bitch; 3) No one is taking my private property without due process (unless they plan on replacing that pasta); 4) Bare arms you say? Wife-beater son; 5) What's that? You couldn't check my apartment for troops? Oh yeah, that's because no illegal search and seizing, punk.

Moral of the story? Your people aren't patriotic because you make them stop in the middle of the street for the anthem, they are patriotic if they get their (insert country name)-on everyday. You better believe I get my America on everyday by working out those old ass rights, keeping them in shape.

America wins.