Snake Keeps Dogging Local Family

welp, see ya later!

A friend of mine recent brought to my attention a news story out of Australia where a python ate a family's dog while their children watched. Apparently the snake had been stalking the dog for a while and finally decided it was time to take him down. While the snake was eating him the family tried to save the dog by throwing chairs at it to no avail.

This whole situation raises a number of questions in my mind. First of all, why didn't the family report the snake when they noticed it stalking their dog in the first place? It was also reported that it had partially eaten their cat as well as their guinea pig. Are pythons so common in Australia that you don't report them until your dog is inching it's way toward their center? Seems to me that if I saw a large snake hanging around my house I'd probably think about getting it removed, if not for my dog's safety, maybe for the safety of my small children (aged 5 and 7). The father said he feared for his children's life, but apparently only until it was eating their dog. Maybe up until then he thought it might make a good replacement pet for the guinea pig and cat that bit the dust.

I like that the family tried to throw chairs at the snake. Was this Stone Cold Steve Austin's family by any chance? Maybe the Undertaker's? I have an idea for the nervous father: how about you take your two young children into the house instead of angering a giant python by throwing plastic chairs at it. Perhaps we shouldn't let them be scarred for life. Just a thought.

[The Canadian Press]

Blowing Shit Up: Space Edition

Missile "Misdemeanor" Elliot

The U.S. has decided that they're going to shoot down a spy satellite that is crashing down to earth. Ostensibly they're doing it because the large satellite poses a danger to humans, but we know the real reason. It's like my homeless friend JC tells me, "that satellite tracks all my movements, except it can't see me if I'm drunk". Now I don't know about the drunk part but if JC's right (as he always is) then that means this satellite could contain enumerable amounts of information about the nation's paranoid schizophrenics; information others could use against them or us. It's bad enough the CIA bugged the squirrels near JC's shopping cart, but now he might have to worry about Commies too. Can a schizo get a break?

Anyway, it seems to me that this is a dangerous move by the Navy. Just think about it. Right now the U.S. has a certain aura of dominating force (other than in Iraq, but the satellite isn't using terrorism or guerrilla tactics). Right now no one shoots missiles at us because they're pretty sure we could shoot them down and then retaliate. Now we're unnecessarily testing our accuracy in such manners, for everyone to see. What happens if we miss? Maybe Kim Jong Ill'n decides it's time to finally launch his one good missile and WWIII breaks out. I guess we better just pray that they nail it. America (hopefully) wins.

p.s. These missiles cost $10M. Sounds reasonable.

[NY Times]

Today's Second Collection is for Tattoo Removal

Hey Jeanne Assam! Don't get that tear drop tattoo just yet!

For the unfamiliar, Ms. Assam is the volunteer guard who shot the crazy killer at a Colorado church on Monday. This dude killed four people at two separate Colorado churches before Assam dropped him. His autopsy revealed that he actually died from a self inflicted bullet wound, not from Assam's shots as previously thought. This whole scenario raises a number of interesting questions.

First of all, how many churches have strapped security guards? Is there a weapons check before or after the Lord's prayer? I mean, the lady is a volunteer security guard, which means at some point she was asked if she wouldn't mind bringing her piece to mass.

Scene from church council meeting

Priest: "Any new parish business?"
Community member 1(CM1): "Father, the church is concerned about some rumors regarding the impending apocalypse."
CM2: "Yes Father, we were wondering if we might want to arm the congregation, to hold off Satan long enough to repent."
P: "Interesting...I don't know about arming the whole church, but perhaps a guard might be in order." "Any suggestions?"
CM1: "Hey Jeanne, didn't you used to be a police officer?" "Could you possibly bring your piece with you?"
Jeanne: "I suppose I could, better safe than Damned."

Another interesting situation is the range of emotions that Assam must be going through. I mean one minute your dealing with the fact that you just capped someone and it's hard at first. But then you start realizing you can get that tear drop tattoo you've always wanted, plus maybe 50 cent will invite you up to his crib to shoot at his indoor range. You start getting used to the whole idea of being a hero as well as enjoying the limelight at your knitting group where everyone's asking you what it's like to kill. Then the autopsy comes back and ruins everything. She was quoted as saying "it was me, the gunman and God". Well now it's just the gunman and God, no room for Jeanne. What a roller coaster of emotion. My conclusion? The medical examiner is an asshole. But I'll be damned if that lady didn't make the most of her second amendment rights.

America wins.