Blowing Shit Up: Space Edition

Missile "Misdemeanor" Elliot

The U.S. has decided that they're going to shoot down a spy satellite that is crashing down to earth. Ostensibly they're doing it because the large satellite poses a danger to humans, but we know the real reason. It's like my homeless friend JC tells me, "that satellite tracks all my movements, except it can't see me if I'm drunk". Now I don't know about the drunk part but if JC's right (as he always is) then that means this satellite could contain enumerable amounts of information about the nation's paranoid schizophrenics; information others could use against them or us. It's bad enough the CIA bugged the squirrels near JC's shopping cart, but now he might have to worry about Commies too. Can a schizo get a break?

Anyway, it seems to me that this is a dangerous move by the Navy. Just think about it. Right now the U.S. has a certain aura of dominating force (other than in Iraq, but the satellite isn't using terrorism or guerrilla tactics). Right now no one shoots missiles at us because they're pretty sure we could shoot them down and then retaliate. Now we're unnecessarily testing our accuracy in such manners, for everyone to see. What happens if we miss? Maybe Kim Jong Ill'n decides it's time to finally launch his one good missile and WWIII breaks out. I guess we better just pray that they nail it. America (hopefully) wins.

p.s. These missiles cost $10M. Sounds reasonable.

[NY Times]

United Planets of America?

I just read that Virgin has almost completed the first private spaceship. For some reason I just have the impression that Sir Richard Branson was sitting around with a couple of his pals (Spiderman, Bill Gates, Saudi Kings), drinking panda blood and skeet shooting original Beatles recordings when he plopped himself down in his elephant skin chair and said "i'm bloody bored". His buddies were all like: "what do you want to do Chuck? Do you want to buy a city or maybe blow up some hummers?" Finally Branson replied: "I want to eat an ostrich egg on the moon." Next thing you know we have Virgin Galactic.

They also already have 200 people signed up to go. Apparently Lance Bass is not only the gayest boy bander, but he's also an outer space trend setter. I remember his outer space aspirations fondly. Now Lance and a bunch of other rich people can finally go there. Dreams do come true.

Now that I think about it I wonder if the whole Lance in space thing wasn't just part of his plan to come out of the closet. I mean think about it from his point of view. You tell your mom that you're going to outer space and she probably flips out. She doesn't want you to risk your life or at the very least leave for many years. Then it turns out that you're not actually going to space, you're just gay. It's the old "mom i'm pregnant, just kidding but i did get a D in math" trick. Apparently coming out is so big that you have to hit them with an epic lie, to the tune of you going to outer space. Very shrewd Lance, very shrewd.

As for me I'm cool with gyroplanes for now. I can't even go on minor amusement park rides without feeling nauseous, let alone outer space.

article:
virgin unveils private spaceship design

Picture:
Branson