Blowing Shit Up: Space Edition

Missile "Misdemeanor" Elliot

The U.S. has decided that they're going to shoot down a spy satellite that is crashing down to earth. Ostensibly they're doing it because the large satellite poses a danger to humans, but we know the real reason. It's like my homeless friend JC tells me, "that satellite tracks all my movements, except it can't see me if I'm drunk". Now I don't know about the drunk part but if JC's right (as he always is) then that means this satellite could contain enumerable amounts of information about the nation's paranoid schizophrenics; information others could use against them or us. It's bad enough the CIA bugged the squirrels near JC's shopping cart, but now he might have to worry about Commies too. Can a schizo get a break?

Anyway, it seems to me that this is a dangerous move by the Navy. Just think about it. Right now the U.S. has a certain aura of dominating force (other than in Iraq, but the satellite isn't using terrorism or guerrilla tactics). Right now no one shoots missiles at us because they're pretty sure we could shoot them down and then retaliate. Now we're unnecessarily testing our accuracy in such manners, for everyone to see. What happens if we miss? Maybe Kim Jong Ill'n decides it's time to finally launch his one good missile and WWIII breaks out. I guess we better just pray that they nail it. America (hopefully) wins.

p.s. These missiles cost $10M. Sounds reasonable.

[NY Times]

Will You Be My Friend? Circle Yes or No.

Last week America's President, George W. Bush, sent a handwritten note to N. Korea's Kim Jong Il. The State Dept has released that the letter "urged Pyongyang to follow through on an agreement to declare and dismantle its nuclear program". Unfortunately, only the Il'n villain and Bush know what the actual text of the letter said. That is until now, as America Rulez has received a copy from our friends over at "Greatest North Korea Number 1 Blogsite". Without further ado, the text of the letter:

Mr. Chairman,

Howdy buddy! Gee whiz Jongie, I just don't know what to do anymore. My approval rating is terrible and I'm afraid that when I leave office I'll be remembered as a miserable president. Even worse than Zach Taylor! Over in our country we aren't allowed to control the media or restrict speech like you lucky dogs. Well, gosh, it seems that people are awful sore at me and they aren't afraid to let it be known. I wish I could make up sweet stories about myself like you get to do. Man, remember when you told them that you get three or four holes in one per round of golf? That was so awesome.

Well, you must be wondering by now why I'm writing. To be honest, I need your help. I'm trying to leave office with some kind of legacy, so people might not hate me in the future. So...I was wondering...could you maybe declare and dismantle your nuclear program? I mean, that would be so awesome if history recalled that I ended the N. Korean nuclear threat.

Now I know what you're thinking. What's in it for me? Well listen partner, I have some great stuff for you. First, tell your people whatever you want. They will have no idea whether you have real nuclear capabilities, or if you're just saying it. Also I might be able to arrange for Angelina Jolie to adopt a North Korean child. Imagine the press and the star power! You can even hand her the baby yourself! Or, if that's not enough, while she's adopting the kid you can claim she violated your laws and keep her imprisoned and make her help the South Korean director you abducted in creating a North Korean film industry.

Help a brother out,
George W. Bush

p.s. We could get you Brad Pitt too if you want.

Some countries give their leaders no incentive to do things to make the world better. America gives it's outgoing presidents the incentive to do great things in order to leave a heroic legacy so that they can make sweet dough giving speeches and writing books. Nothing like economic incentives to make the world a safer place. Pretty sure America wins.