I'm Back!

I'm back from Cambodia and I still think the Fox NFL robots and crump dancing are retarded. I mean, these robots are pretty much the worst, what is it about the NFL that makes Fox think about robots? Was that a meeting?

"I'll say a word and you say the first thing that comes to mind. Football"

"Dancing robots, next."

And crumping? Especially young white children crumping? No. It's stupid. Flailing as hard as you physically can? Not a fan.

Let's just hope the robots don't start crumping.

Glad to be back.

Where you at?!

Believe it or not one reader who happened to check my blog...I'm not dead. I'm just in Cambodia making sure that America really does rule. Peep http://www.cambrodia.com for a piece of the action.

Peep my stand-up debut!

HA!

Peep my buddy, storytelling phenom Jon Stroud

SpeakeasyDC's Sucker for Love Valentine Special from Amy Saidman on Vimeo.

Hilarious and probably true

Peep this: mike tyson's punchout was racist! Also this is hilarious to read.

Martellus Bennett is still at it!

You guys seriously need to peep this every once and a while. He's taking on the big issues like how to not get killed in a horror movie scenario.

This guy is pure hilarity.

Auto Tune the news

Awesome

1:20 to 1:50 is so good.

Sporcle has changed my life...well day at least

Go to this website. It's nothing but lists that you try to complete before time runs out, like 'all the US presidents' or 'top scorers in NBA history'. It's going to make you so mad when you can't think of things on the tip of your brain; but so happy when you pick them out of thin air. Fun. Very fun. I got 71 out of the 73 teams in the 6 major college conferences and it made my day. Stupid Big Ten.

Suck it

"Bringin' Back Suck It" Part 1 - watch more funny videos

Pure America

Imeem is Hot. If you don't use it you should.

Leaders of the New Cool

Martellus Bennett is a genius

My buddy Dave just put me onto Martellus Bennett's blog. Bennett is a tight end on the Dallas Cowboys and sometimes he says hilarious things. For example:

"I guess women have to let go at times too but it just doesn't seem
right, but if they do then it shouldn't smell or make a sound. I mean
come on if you were on a date with Angelina Jolie a lunch date eating
spaghetti and pancakes or whatever it is people eat in Hollywood and
as she's feeding you she farts. Do you let her slide because of her
beauty or call her out?" (emphasis mine)

I don't even think it's necessarily that funny that he's talking about broads farting. I just think it's hilarious that he says people in Hollywood eat spaghetti and pancakes. That's the ultimate in his mind.

Check it out here and expect big things.

Mad Men: Is this show good?

I obviously have netflix. I also listen to podcasts and read blogs and pretty much absorb all the media I can all day. Many of these mediums have told me that Mad Men is a great show, so I decided to get it conveniently mailed to my house.

I don't know...I just don't know.

I mean it's certainly an interesting show and there is lots of drama unfolding. I also understand that it's a period piece and times were quite different then. But I can't help but get the feeling that everyone in this show is a horrible horrible person. Seriously. Draper's wife is literally the only one who isn't at least a little scummy, but every time I see her I'm afraid she'll crash a car or have some mishap because of her shaky hands. I've only seen four episodes and Draper is cheating all over the place, everyone is cheating all over the place, the dudes are super scummy, even the nice girl lets some scummy dude sleep with her, and it's kind of depressing. Man. It shakes my moral core.

Shit, and now Draper apparently has a super weird past. Just when you start to feel bad for Pete Campbell he's asking his wife to bang dudes so he can get published. Plus that weird little kid of the divorced chick. That's it, I'm done.

Right after this next episode.

What do you guys think? Anything?

You can find me in the club....and by me i mean my weiner

"Ahhh"

This is why America Rulez. A golf club that lets you pee outdoors. Game over.

Woot

This exists

http://www.badpaintingsofbarackobama.com/

What in the world could this painting possible be representing? Feel free to weigh in with a comment. My theory is that it means Barack is providing security and support (as represented by the underwear) to all peoples. And also he fucking loves tacos.

Sean Paul Lyrics Deciphered

Angola!

I feel like i'm taking crazy pills!

"Don't make fun of me.."

Has no one realized that TO's middle name is Eldorado? Seriously. Eldorado. Has this not been made fun of? Ok, right now I am going to google it and see.

There's this, but from what I've seen no one is ripping on him. I guess now that he's on the Bills I won't either, but someone should.

Trip Ideas from February, the black history moth.

Hey guys, it's me Feb! If you're looking for an interesting trip this weekend you could go to my favorite spot, the eternal flame at JFK's gravesite in Arlington, VA. I love this place for many reasons, see if you can name them all!

This is the best!

Here's one to start you out: I sure do appreciate all that JFK did for civil rights!

Happy Birthday February

February, the black history moth, is celebrating a birthday this week. Don't forget to buy him a gift! He's been dropping hints:

That gift/joke works on so many levels it hurts. Other gift ideas include: history books...that's it. He loves history.

Breaking News: Danny Boyle is Rudy Giuliani

Americarulez.com is proud to break the news that Slumdog Millionaire's Danny Boyle is in fact Rudy Giuliani. Rudy, apparently tired of being America's Mayor and constantly reminding everyone to never forget, went into hiding as British director Danny Boyle. I applaud Mr. Giuliani for not only learning film direction so quickly, but also for winning an Oscar.

That's me!

Dame Dash - Murderer?

I just read an article about the dude who allegedly killed Eddy Curry's ex-girlfriend and their child. The story is very sad but I couldn't help noticing that this dude looks exactly like Damon Dash, ex business associate and Roc-a-fella records cohort of Jay-Z. Peep knowledge.

Dame, how far you've fallen.

Black History Moth

February, the black History Moth, says:



One love, Feb!

You're making it hard for meeee!

I just read one of the most ridiculous wikihow articles ever, about grind dancing. Read this article then come back for the highlights, or just read the highlights. My comments are in italics for your amusement.

How to Grind

"Never ask if they'd like to grind. If you know for sure the person is a grinder, assume the correct positions (one person, usually the guy, directly behind the other)."

- Gentleman: Excuse me m' Lady, but would you care to grind?
Lady: Yes, but don't be so old fashioned! I don't like those kind of guys. Now assume the correct position before I change my mind!

- How will you know for sure if they're a grinder? Oh, you'll know...you'll know.

" If you're at the front, move your end area around in a pattern at around crotch level of your partner. You're in control."

- Choose your own sexy pattern. I prefer an octagonal motion!

"Guys may experience an erection while grinding. If this happens, there are a few things you can do to hide it."

• Bend your knees so that the bottom of your stomach is the area getting the most friction.
• Turn so that they are grinding your knee.
• If repositioning does not work, it's better to just excuse yourself for a few minutes to let things settle down.
• If all else fails "pull up and tuck".

- Take note Next, there are solutions to your problem!

But it doesn't end there, there is also the follow up article for girls!

How to Grind (for Girls)

Highlights include:

"Get out there and have some fun. You can't grind if you're not even on the dance floor or standing watching other people grind."

- Don't be a wall flower! Get your grind on!

"Act normally, as if you don't even realize that they're coming. Guys can sense fear, so make sure you don't give off any."

- Guys can also "detect as little as one part per million of blood in seawater." As well as "rely on their superior sense of smell to find prey."

"If he's facing your back this is normal grinding and more popular. Front grinding is more risqué and sexy! Most people don't do front grinding their first time."

- Don't be a slut, strictly normal grinding on your first time ladies!

"If you want to pop lock and drop it then make sure he doesn't go down with you, just pop lock and drop it normally."

- Shit girl, if you want to pop lock and drop it then go for it!

"better yet, let us not pop lock and drop it trust me if you can't do it, don't do it!"

- Nevermind, leave the pop lock and drop its to the video ho-fessionals.


Seriously, read both of those. Here's the attached video for your enjoyment:


Party Etiquette:How To Grind

Here's a tip, give it a rest...

No.

Dudes, one thing that I can't stand is tip jars at bullshit locations. Today I went to Quizno's and they had a tip jar at the register. That is so lame. You're seriously asking me to tip you for making change on an overpriced sub? Or is the tip for your insistence on badgering me to get the chips and the drink? Guess what, I don't want the combo meal. If I did I would ask for it. Seriously, I'm not ashamed or nervous, I will order it if I want it.

Now don't get me wrong, I worked as a waiter and even fancy myself to be a good tipper when appropriate. But that's because waiters actually go do work, plus they get paid about three dollars less per hour than the dummy running the register at fast food restaurants. What's next? Is my dentist going to put a jar next to his spit sink? How about one next to the ATM, I mean that machine is working some long shifts.

Stupid.

In which Stump can't say no

Oh stumpy...

Kenny Monologue-ins

Here's a short monologue i wrote. The real version would have better delivery but less laughs.



kind of funny.

18th St. 3am

In Which Greg is a Dick

I read on another blog that there is a website where you can type dialogue for animated characters. Enjoy.