Blowing Shit Up-date

"Gen. Cartwright pretends to blow it up with his laser finger"

They did it. The Navy succeeded in blowing up the satellite. They hit it on the first shot too. Pretty bad ass if you ask me. Let that be a lesson to all you aliens out there, now's not the time to mess with us. That goes for you too Raul Castro!

[NY Times]

Blowing Shit Up: Space Edition

Missile "Misdemeanor" Elliot

The U.S. has decided that they're going to shoot down a spy satellite that is crashing down to earth. Ostensibly they're doing it because the large satellite poses a danger to humans, but we know the real reason. It's like my homeless friend JC tells me, "that satellite tracks all my movements, except it can't see me if I'm drunk". Now I don't know about the drunk part but if JC's right (as he always is) then that means this satellite could contain enumerable amounts of information about the nation's paranoid schizophrenics; information others could use against them or us. It's bad enough the CIA bugged the squirrels near JC's shopping cart, but now he might have to worry about Commies too. Can a schizo get a break?

Anyway, it seems to me that this is a dangerous move by the Navy. Just think about it. Right now the U.S. has a certain aura of dominating force (other than in Iraq, but the satellite isn't using terrorism or guerrilla tactics). Right now no one shoots missiles at us because they're pretty sure we could shoot them down and then retaliate. Now we're unnecessarily testing our accuracy in such manners, for everyone to see. What happens if we miss? Maybe Kim Jong Ill'n decides it's time to finally launch his one good missile and WWIII breaks out. I guess we better just pray that they nail it. America (hopefully) wins.

p.s. These missiles cost $10M. Sounds reasonable.

[NY Times]

Update: Beef with Paula Abdul and Billy Ray's Mistake

"My bad y'all"

I was recently on Google news, perusing the headlines, when I saw that Billy Ray Cyrus and his daughter are catching grief for not buckling up in one scene of the Hannah Montana movie. This is exactly the type of thing I expected to happen with Paula Abdul's smoking cat! It's funny that nowadays with the internets and the blogs even small miscues are creating much more drama than ever. Imagine the terrible innuendos Perez Hilton would have made with Paula's apparent animated bestiality, not to mention her feline lover's bad habits. We're living in different times ladies and gents.

Metro Dynamics: A Study of Zombies and Fourth Graders

"Does no food on the metro include brains?"

America Rulez is currently based out of America's Capital City, Washington, DC. This means at least two important things. First, I'm on the pulse of the Nation's capital and therefore the nation itself. Second, it means that I ride the Metro a lot. When I'm riding the Metro I can't help but observe a number of strange and interesting behaviors. Perhaps these behaviors come out because of the abnormal dynamic of the metro. It's really one of few places where adults lose their personal space on a regular basis and are forced to spend time with total strangers in close quarters. This unique atmosphere let's me observe a number of interesting phenomena.

There is often an eerie silence on the Metro during rush hour. For the most part people are zombies on their daily commute. In the morning they are tired, some holding onto sleep while others are mentally preparing for the day. I feel like when people are traveling they aren't really in their bodies. They leave their minds in bed until they get to work, allowing them to be extra rested once the day begins. The same is true on the ride home. Some people are silently tying up the loose ends of their work day while transitioning their minds to their personal lives and priorities, while others merely go into power save mode until they must interact with roommates or family members. It's similar to being on a long road trip where you zone out and realize that you haven't really been paying attention the last hour of your drive. I'm afraid that if for some reason I'm killed or I die on the Metro, my mind will be trapped at work or in bed. I hope someone lets it know that it's now homeless.

I noticed one other interesting and irritating of the Metro phenomena. This is when seemingly normal and grown up people become anxious and impatient fourth graders. I work in an area of DC called Farragut North and the majority of morning Metro riders heading down with me on the Red Line exit at this stop. Every single day the vast majority of people leave at this stop, causing the doors to remain open much longer than most other stops. Despite this consistent fact many seemingly normal adults experience an inner panic reminiscent of trying to be first in line on the way to lunch in grade school. These people will get up twenty seconds before the train stops and anxiously push their way to the doors, asking people to move out of the way or even awkwardly pushing past them when in all likelihood these people will also be exiting.

The other day I was sitting on the outside seat while the inside rider made all the "getting off the train" motions, which I mirrored by tensing up, trying to signal that I too would be leaving. Still they found the need to tap me and let me know they will be getting off, but in a rude manner. I gave them the head nod but I refused to get up before the train stops, I know that the doors will not shut on me and therefore can wait two seconds in my seat. That was mildly annoying.

The worst though was when I am standing on a packed train and someone elbows their way through me as the train slows to the station. By some miracle I manage to get off even though i don't plow my way to the front. Maybe it's just my inner irritation with budgers (line cutters), but this kind of thing bothers me.

New NFL Scandal Twists League's Great Expectations

With the New England Patriots simultaneously immersed in a cheating scandal and creating thoughts that NFL parity is a thing of the past, the NFL was saved by the heartwarming story of lovable Eli Manning and his underdog Giants winning the Super Bowl. Thanks to the Giant’s thrilling victory and Eli’s emergence as a big time quarterback, NFL fans threw out notions of New England invincibility.

Unfortunately, it seems that the old adage is coming true again that what goes up must invariably come down. My initial suspicions proved to be correct: the NFL is guilty of violating child labor laws. In the employ of an NFL team there is an individual who is clearly too young to be working any full time job, let alone in the NFL. I’m here to report that the exploited child isn’t a ball boy or water girl, but none other than Super Bowl MVP Eli Manning. This may be shocking to hear…but Eli Manning is actually a ten year old boy. The following is documented evidence that I’ve been able to dig up on this monumental exploitation.

Evidence 1a-b: A small child’s blanket and testimony of a Giant’s security guard.

Eli's alleged blankie

The following is the testimony of Giant’s locker room security guard Frank Ellis:

Frank Ellis: “So I’m there at the Super Bowl, making sure nobody comes in disturbing the team and what not, when I hears something funny. I says to [fellow security guard] Brian [Thomson], hey Brian, it sounds like some little kid’s crying in there or something. So I go in to sneak a peek. All I see is [Tom] Coughlin and Archie [Manning] talking to Eli and he’s bawling. I hear them tell him that he can’t bring his blankie on the field with him and the guy’s throwing a fit. They finally tell him that if he doesn’t leave it in his locker they’re going to give it to Peyton [Manning]. He sniffled a little, looked at his blankie, and then said fine. I don’t know no grown men who would be carrying around blankies - that’s for sure.”

Evidence 2a-b: A juice box and testimony of a Super Bowl photographer.

Not a big boy cup

The following is the testimony of UPI photographer Kevin Condrut.

Kevin Condrut: “...I was taking pictures of the Giant’s sideline when I noticed something strange about Eli Manning. Everyone else on the sidelines was drinking Gatorade or water, but I looked over and Eli was drinking a juice box. Apple, I believe. Last time I drank one of those I was probably 8-9 years old. Strange.”


Evidence 3: Audio recording of Giant’s sideline.

The following is the transcript of audio from the Giant’s sideline prior to New York’s final drive:

Tom Coughlin: “Alright gentlemen, this is the moment we’ve all been dreaming about our whole lives. (shouting)…So let’s get out there and finish this thing. Eli? What’s the matter Eli?”
Eli Manning: “I don’t wanna go out there. I wanna watch Sponge Bob, make stupid Peyton do it.”
Coughlin: “God, damn it! (Into headphone) Guys, can someone get Archie down here? Eli’s being fussy.
(Various words of encouragement and excitement)
Archie Manning: “What is it Tom?”
Coughlin: “Eli says he wants to watch Sponge Bob and not finish the game.”
Archie: “Now Eli…we talked about this.”
Eli: “I don’t wanna.”
Archie: “You listen here mister, if you don’t march your butt out there you will not be hanging out at Billy’s house for two weeks!”
Eli: “Awww man! But Dad, I just wanna watch Sponge Bob.”
Archie: “No Sponge Bob until you finish your Super Bowl. And that’s final!”
Eli: “Fine.”


Evidence 4: Transcript of post-game interview

The next piece of evidence is a tape of Eli’s post game interview with Pam Oliver.

Pam Oliver: “Eli Manning, incredible job of leading that final drive and winning the Super Bowl. How’s it feel to be the Super Bowl MVP.”
Eli Manning: “Thanks Pam. It feels great. I always wanted to be just like my big brother Peyton.”
Oliver: “What are your plans now that you are a Super Bowl champion?”
Eli: “Peyton promised me that when we got home he would ride bikes with me. He also promised that if I won MVP he’d help me build a tree fort. I can’t wait!


Evidence 5: Transcript of post-game press conference

The final piece of evidence is probably the most damning for the NFL. Here’s a brief transcript containing a portion of Eli’s post-game press conference.

Journalist: “Eli, you’ve had such great success at such a young age. How old are you again, 26, 27...?”
Eli: “This many.” (holds up ten fingers)

Visualization of Eli's alleged real age

Although it’s troubling for me as a lifelong fan to bring these indictments against the NFL, I feel even stronger that child labor is an abhorrent practice. I’m sure once these facts are brought to the light it will probably hurt the league and the New York Giants organization a great deal. It will likely be revealed that Eli Manning’s birth certificate was forged and that he is indeed ten years old. At the end of all of this we can at least take comfort in knowing that the Patriot’s defense was picked apart by a ten year old boy.

Please Sir, don't make me score

Happy Catholic New Year's Eve!

"Save us Jesus!"

As Girls Gone Wild has probably taught you, Mardi Gras is quite the celebration. For those who don't know the religious significance let me lay it out for you to play it out. Mardi Gras (or Fat Tuesday in normal people talk) is the culmination of Carnival and the last day before Lent begins on Ash Wednesday. For Catholics this means one last day to eat meat and do other really crazy stuff before making the traditional sacrifices of Lent (anyone want to hit the holy water one last time?). In fact "Carnival" has been translated from a Latin phrase meaning "the removal of meat", as opposed to the Brazilian translation "the removal of clothes".

During Lent, Catholics give up meat on Fridays (no pepperoni on that Jumbo slice) and also give up any number of sinful activities they deem achievable or appropriate. Apparently college coeds give up flashing their breasts and therefore do it as much as possible on Mardi Gras. Anyway it's very similar to New Year's Eve, you get really drunk and do as much bad stuff as possible, then you try to give it all up. Lenten sacrifices are the soul's equivalent of New Year's resolutions.

That's one benefit of being Catholic. You get two chances at resolutions. "Well I gave up worshiping false idols for the New Year, but it was so hard. I mean...well...I just love Clay Aiken and I can't help it. I guess I'll try again for Lent and this time I only have to do it for 40 days; just in time for Clay's Easter spectacular!"

What's my Lenten sacrifice you ask? This year I'm giving up building robots that may or may not rebel against the humans who created them. I hope the guy from Terminator does the same thing. Here's some other famous people and their sacrifices:

John McCain: campaign finance reform

Hilary Clinton: scowling

Barack Obama: cocai...ummm smoking (j/k!)

Kobe Bryant: passing

Britney: insanity

Eli Manning: juice boxes (is he not 12?)

Bill Belichick: sleeves, oh wait, he's got that covered

Pope Benedict: creeping people out

Tom Brady: super models...psych!