Happy Birthday February

February, the black history moth, is celebrating a birthday this week. Don't forget to buy him a gift! He's been dropping hints:

That gift/joke works on so many levels it hurts. Other gift ideas include: history books...that's it. He loves history.

Breaking News: Danny Boyle is Rudy Giuliani

Americarulez.com is proud to break the news that Slumdog Millionaire's Danny Boyle is in fact Rudy Giuliani. Rudy, apparently tired of being America's Mayor and constantly reminding everyone to never forget, went into hiding as British director Danny Boyle. I applaud Mr. Giuliani for not only learning film direction so quickly, but also for winning an Oscar.

That's me!

Dame Dash - Murderer?

I just read an article about the dude who allegedly killed Eddy Curry's ex-girlfriend and their child. The story is very sad but I couldn't help noticing that this dude looks exactly like Damon Dash, ex business associate and Roc-a-fella records cohort of Jay-Z. Peep knowledge.

Dame, how far you've fallen.

Black History Moth

February, the black History Moth, says:



One love, Feb!

You're making it hard for meeee!

I just read one of the most ridiculous wikihow articles ever, about grind dancing. Read this article then come back for the highlights, or just read the highlights. My comments are in italics for your amusement.

How to Grind

"Never ask if they'd like to grind. If you know for sure the person is a grinder, assume the correct positions (one person, usually the guy, directly behind the other)."

- Gentleman: Excuse me m' Lady, but would you care to grind?
Lady: Yes, but don't be so old fashioned! I don't like those kind of guys. Now assume the correct position before I change my mind!

- How will you know for sure if they're a grinder? Oh, you'll know...you'll know.

" If you're at the front, move your end area around in a pattern at around crotch level of your partner. You're in control."

- Choose your own sexy pattern. I prefer an octagonal motion!

"Guys may experience an erection while grinding. If this happens, there are a few things you can do to hide it."

• Bend your knees so that the bottom of your stomach is the area getting the most friction.
• Turn so that they are grinding your knee.
• If repositioning does not work, it's better to just excuse yourself for a few minutes to let things settle down.
• If all else fails "pull up and tuck".

- Take note Next, there are solutions to your problem!

But it doesn't end there, there is also the follow up article for girls!

How to Grind (for Girls)

Highlights include:

"Get out there and have some fun. You can't grind if you're not even on the dance floor or standing watching other people grind."

- Don't be a wall flower! Get your grind on!

"Act normally, as if you don't even realize that they're coming. Guys can sense fear, so make sure you don't give off any."

- Guys can also "detect as little as one part per million of blood in seawater." As well as "rely on their superior sense of smell to find prey."

"If he's facing your back this is normal grinding and more popular. Front grinding is more risqué and sexy! Most people don't do front grinding their first time."

- Don't be a slut, strictly normal grinding on your first time ladies!

"If you want to pop lock and drop it then make sure he doesn't go down with you, just pop lock and drop it normally."

- Shit girl, if you want to pop lock and drop it then go for it!

"better yet, let us not pop lock and drop it trust me if you can't do it, don't do it!"

- Nevermind, leave the pop lock and drop its to the video ho-fessionals.


Seriously, read both of those. Here's the attached video for your enjoyment:


Party Etiquette:How To Grind

Here's a tip, give it a rest...

No.

Dudes, one thing that I can't stand is tip jars at bullshit locations. Today I went to Quizno's and they had a tip jar at the register. That is so lame. You're seriously asking me to tip you for making change on an overpriced sub? Or is the tip for your insistence on badgering me to get the chips and the drink? Guess what, I don't want the combo meal. If I did I would ask for it. Seriously, I'm not ashamed or nervous, I will order it if I want it.

Now don't get me wrong, I worked as a waiter and even fancy myself to be a good tipper when appropriate. But that's because waiters actually go do work, plus they get paid about three dollars less per hour than the dummy running the register at fast food restaurants. What's next? Is my dentist going to put a jar next to his spit sink? How about one next to the ATM, I mean that machine is working some long shifts.

Stupid.

In which Stump can't say no

Oh stumpy...