Will You Be My Friend? Circle Yes or No.

Last week America's President, George W. Bush, sent a handwritten note to N. Korea's Kim Jong Il. The State Dept has released that the letter "urged Pyongyang to follow through on an agreement to declare and dismantle its nuclear program". Unfortunately, only the Il'n villain and Bush know what the actual text of the letter said. That is until now, as America Rulez has received a copy from our friends over at "Greatest North Korea Number 1 Blogsite". Without further ado, the text of the letter:

Mr. Chairman,

Howdy buddy! Gee whiz Jongie, I just don't know what to do anymore. My approval rating is terrible and I'm afraid that when I leave office I'll be remembered as a miserable president. Even worse than Zach Taylor! Over in our country we aren't allowed to control the media or restrict speech like you lucky dogs. Well, gosh, it seems that people are awful sore at me and they aren't afraid to let it be known. I wish I could make up sweet stories about myself like you get to do. Man, remember when you told them that you get three or four holes in one per round of golf? That was so awesome.

Well, you must be wondering by now why I'm writing. To be honest, I need your help. I'm trying to leave office with some kind of legacy, so people might not hate me in the future. So...I was wondering...could you maybe declare and dismantle your nuclear program? I mean, that would be so awesome if history recalled that I ended the N. Korean nuclear threat.

Now I know what you're thinking. What's in it for me? Well listen partner, I have some great stuff for you. First, tell your people whatever you want. They will have no idea whether you have real nuclear capabilities, or if you're just saying it. Also I might be able to arrange for Angelina Jolie to adopt a North Korean child. Imagine the press and the star power! You can even hand her the baby yourself! Or, if that's not enough, while she's adopting the kid you can claim she violated your laws and keep her imprisoned and make her help the South Korean director you abducted in creating a North Korean film industry.

Help a brother out,
George W. Bush

p.s. We could get you Brad Pitt too if you want.

Some countries give their leaders no incentive to do things to make the world better. America gives it's outgoing presidents the incentive to do great things in order to leave a heroic legacy so that they can make sweet dough giving speeches and writing books. Nothing like economic incentives to make the world a safer place. Pretty sure America wins.

Probability: Unlikely

I wonder if R. Kelly called Gabe or Usher when he got locked up? Probably Usher because he likes "sing-talking" too. R. Kelly is a ridiculous american.

America still wins.

Today's Second Collection is for Tattoo Removal

Hey Jeanne Assam! Don't get that tear drop tattoo just yet!

For the unfamiliar, Ms. Assam is the volunteer guard who shot the crazy killer at a Colorado church on Monday. This dude killed four people at two separate Colorado churches before Assam dropped him. His autopsy revealed that he actually died from a self inflicted bullet wound, not from Assam's shots as previously thought. This whole scenario raises a number of interesting questions.

First of all, how many churches have strapped security guards? Is there a weapons check before or after the Lord's prayer? I mean, the lady is a volunteer security guard, which means at some point she was asked if she wouldn't mind bringing her piece to mass.

Scene from church council meeting

Priest: "Any new parish business?"
Community member 1(CM1): "Father, the church is concerned about some rumors regarding the impending apocalypse."
CM2: "Yes Father, we were wondering if we might want to arm the congregation, to hold off Satan long enough to repent."
P: "Interesting...I don't know about arming the whole church, but perhaps a guard might be in order." "Any suggestions?"
CM1: "Hey Jeanne, didn't you used to be a police officer?" "Could you possibly bring your piece with you?"
Jeanne: "I suppose I could, better safe than Damned."

Another interesting situation is the range of emotions that Assam must be going through. I mean one minute your dealing with the fact that you just capped someone and it's hard at first. But then you start realizing you can get that tear drop tattoo you've always wanted, plus maybe 50 cent will invite you up to his crib to shoot at his indoor range. You start getting used to the whole idea of being a hero as well as enjoying the limelight at your knitting group where everyone's asking you what it's like to kill. Then the autopsy comes back and ruins everything. She was quoted as saying "it was me, the gunman and God". Well now it's just the gunman and God, no room for Jeanne. What a roller coaster of emotion. My conclusion? The medical examiner is an asshole. But I'll be damned if that lady didn't make the most of her second amendment rights.

America wins.

Cooties: An American Epidemic

Make sure you get your shot, they're readily available.

America wins.

Mayweather v.s. Hatton: America Wins Again

I wasn't able to catch the Mayweather fight but I heard it was a good one. For those not in the know, Floyd Mayweather is an American boxer who is rated the best pound for pound boxer in the world. Hatton was a previously undefeated British jr. welterweight champion, who wanted a shot at the welterweight champ. Hatton is a tough dude but at the end of the day Pretty Boy is too good. Also, he's an American. I remember another flashy Brit who thought he could take America down, aka King George III. George Washington knocked that chump out.

America wins.

A Great American: Astronaut Jones

This was a hilarious skit, but it's kind of a one time deal.

Say what?

America wins. Dig.

America getting out Patriot-ised?

There is a new law being proposed in Thailand that will require all citizens to stop twice a day for the national anthem. They already pump the national jam twice a day anyway, and this law would allow motorists to participate as well. Are Thai people more patriotic than Americans? Is it possible!?

Well lets quickly review America's daily patriotism. Right off the bat I can think of the pledge that students across the nation say every morning. Does that mean adult Americans aren't patriotic? Some people might think so, but those people are dumb. American's prove their patriotism everyday by getting pissed off at politicians who are trying to ruin their country and also getting quality use out of their rights. We love America so f-ing much that the average person probably exercises five or more of the Bill of Rights guarantees EVERY day.

Let's pretend for a moment that I'm an average American. Today I'm exercising at least five rights. You want proof? 1) I'm getting my first on as you read this; 2) Check my apartment, I literally guarantee you wont find any foreign troops quartered up in that bitch; 3) No one is taking my private property without due process (unless they plan on replacing that pasta); 4) Bare arms you say? Wife-beater son; 5) What's that? You couldn't check my apartment for troops? Oh yeah, that's because no illegal search and seizing, punk.

Moral of the story? Your people aren't patriotic because you make them stop in the middle of the street for the anthem, they are patriotic if they get their (insert country name)-on everyday. You better believe I get my America on everyday by working out those old ass rights, keeping them in shape.

America wins.

A Purpose

Well after some thought I'm starting to make some decisions on what America Rulez will be all about. I think that I'm going to use it to comment on America and American culture. Probably hilariously. Stay tuned.

America Rulez

This is the official blog of America. So, suck it the world!